adBlockCheck

Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down

Top Headlines

Business

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down

AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday and promptly ceased operations.

A proud Michael Dell announces the shutdown to stockholders.

"We did it," founder and CEO Michael Dell said. "Back when I started this company, I vowed that I would not rest until we revolutionized the way computers are sold. Well, at long last, that day is here. Bye."

When he launched the company in 1984, Dell drew up a lengthy list of longterm corporate goals. These included making Dell Computer the world's most trusted name in computer systems, the industry leader for customer service and technical support, and a model for direct-order retail in the 21st century and beyond.

"There were a lot of goals I wanted to accomplish, but those three were probably the biggest," said Dell, clearing out his desk at the company's Austin headquarters. "Done, done, and done."

Dell said he made the decision to shut down after learning that the company had passed Cisco Systems as the premier provider of products and services required for customers worldwide to build their information-technology and Internet infrastructures.

"Kevin Rollins, my president and COO, was the one who delivered the news," Dell said. "You should have seen the smile on his face. He walked into my office and said, 'We did it, Mike. We finally did it.' Everything we'd worked so hard to attain had finally come to fruition. Time to close up shop."

Upon receiving the news, Dell called a meeting of his top executives. After standing silently in front of the confused throng for nearly a minute, Dell calmly put a check mark in the remaining empty box on a large board listing the company's goals. A loud cheer went up and, after much handshaking and backslapping, a beaming Dell told the executives to clean out their offices and go home.

Though Dell said he is proud and thrilled that his company reached its goals so quickly, he "can't help but feel a little disappointed" that it's all over.

"We were so focused on getting where we wanted to go that we didn't always step back and take a moment to savor the ride," Dell said. "We knew that last day would eventually come, but I guess we always imagined it being somewhere off in the distant future."

News of the Dell shutdown spread quickly through the computer industry. Within hours, more than two dozen major rival companies had phoned to express interest in purchasing Dell. All offers were declined.

"Some of the bids to buy the company were extremely attractive," Dell said. "But after thinking about it, I decided it would just be too weird having the company go on without me. Besides, what would there be for the new owners to do?"

Though he is the guiding light and creative force behind Dell Computer, Dell stressed that he is not solely responsible for the company's success.

"We had an incredible staff of people without whom we would never have reached our destination," Dell said. "To the great people of Austin, who helped make the corporate office feel like a home; to the 32,000 employees that were like a family to me; and, of course, to our many loyal customers, I'd just like to express my unending gratitude and appreciation for your support. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some golf to play."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close