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Corporation's New Logo Changes Everything

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Corporation's New Logo Changes Everything

INDIANAPOLIS—Responding swiftly to a 60 Minutes piece exposing its longtime use of child labor in Malaysian sweatshops, Fortune 500 consumer-goods manufacturer United Home Products unveiled a brand-new logo Tuesday.

"After the 60 Minutes story aired, we received a lot of tremendously helpful feedback regarding our staffing policies at some of our facilities in the Asian sphere. And after listening to you, our customers, UHP saw it was time for a change," said CEO Dale Schwantes, gesturing toward the red, white and blue logo. "And here's that change, America!"

"If you thought you knew UHP, look again!" Schwantes added.

While the business practices of UHP, the nation's fifth largest manufacturer of household consumer goods, will remain unchanged, the introduction of the new logo signals "a brand-new corporate philosophy and an entirely different way of doing things."

The decision to be "a whole new company" came as a result of the Aug. 5 airing of an exposé on one of UHP's toaster factories in Songkhla, Malaysia. The report featured footage of 12-year-olds laboring at dangerous machines in unventilated, overcrowded rooms for $5 per week.

Faced with boycott threats from angry human-rights groups, UHP executives decided a major company overhaul was in order. The next day, UHP's old graphic-design staff was fired and a new 14-member team was brought in.

Children make serving trays in one of United Home Products' Asian factories.

"America spoke, and we listened," said Schwantes, reading from a UHP ad slated to appear in next week's issues of Newsweek and Time. "We've got a whole new look... and a whole new outlook!"

Deeply committed to change, Schwantes made certain that the overhaul extended to the entire corporation, and it did: Not only was the new logo placed on all UHP products and packaging, but also on company letterhead, internal memos, embroidered employee polo shirts, and the marble edifice in the front of UHP world headquarters.

"The public made it clear that it didn't want to support a brand it associated with a cold, gigantic corporation that exploits Third World child labor," said Mark Ingersoll, head of DesignOne, the San Francisco-based graphic-design firm that created the new logo. "So we totally did away with that harsh, 'corporate-looking' lettering and went with a friendlier, more inviting font with a little more warmth and visual flair."

"It sort of brings to mind the old country store on the corner, doesn't it?" said Ingersoll, who has worked on logo redesigns for, among others, Western Federated Electronics, GenCorp Amalgamated and Global Tetrahedron. "The color scheme is very cozy, but it still conveys confidence."

Ingersoll said his design team went through "literally hundreds of ideas" before settling on a classic red, white and blue motif for the logo. Among the ideas considered was "UHP" in a child's handwriting in crayon superimposed over a pair of small handprints, but the idea was nixed when focus groups said it reminded them of the 12-year-old Malaysian factory-laborers.

Thus far, public response to UHP's transformation has been overwhelmingly positive.

"This logo brings to mind the comfort of hearth and home," said Margaret Talmadge, a Valdosta, GA, homemaker. "It suggests the warm, inviting arms of a trusted friend."

"It's a major improvement," Rochester, NY, forklift operator John Spillman said. "Seems like they've really turned themselves around."

A handful of skeptics, however, are not convinced that UHP has changed its stripes.

"We're definitely taking a wait-and-see approach," said Julianne Foyer, president of the Coalition of Concerned Consumers. "UHP has changed their logo in response to complaints before, only to go back to the same old original design within a year. Why should we believe that the logo will truly be different this time?"

In the past decade, UHP has changed its logo several times. In 1992, when an internal memo from then-CEO Robert Randolph about setting limits on minority hiring was accidentally leaked to the public, the company incorporated a pair of black and white shaking hands into the logo. In 1994, a new green logo featuring a tree coincided with the company's printing of 800,000 "We Care About The Environment" pamphlets and the relocation of several tons of toxic runoff to offshore storage facilities.

But according to Schwantes, the new logo and new commitment to people is "here to stay."

"United Home Products is not the same old company," said Schwantes before handing reporters complimentary vinyl cell-phone holders bearing the new logo. "Take a chance on change: Trust UHP."

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