Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

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Vol 37 Issue 01

English Teacher Obviously Hung Over

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO–Despite attempts to conceal it from students, Eisenhower High School 11th-grade English teacher Matthew Geisinger was clearly hung over Monday. "Today, you're going to break up into groups of four to discuss that book you read over the weekend," Geisinger groggily told his first-period class. "The idea is to draw your own conclusions about the book without coming to me for any help." Geisinger then rested his head on his desk for the remainder of the period, occasionally taking a sip of coffee.

New KFC Employee Takes 'Fry-Q' Test In Employee Manual

MITCHELL, SD–After a three-hour training session at the Berner Road KFC Monday, food-prep trainee Liz Falk took the "Fry-Q" test in the employee handbook. "It's to see how much you know about, like, breading and the different chicken parts and stuff," said Falk, 16, who has a Fry-Q of 127. "I think I messed up the section on potato wedges, but I did okay on the rest." Impressed by Falk's high Fry-Q, KFC manager Dan Nies said he hopes to groom her for a shift-supervisor position.

Paul Hogan Keeps Pitching Crocodile Dundee Saturday-Morning Cartoon

LOS ANGELES–Continuing nine years of such efforts, Australian actor Paul Hogan pitched a Crocodile Dundee Saturday-morning cartoon to Fox Family Channel executives Tuesday. "In Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, Dundee would travel the world in a hot-air balloon, having adventures with his outback pals Kenny Koala and J. Wellington Wallaby,"Hogan told the executives. "This is an even stronger concept than the Crocodile Dundee & The Magic Didgeridoo idea I pitched you folks last year. Or was that UPN?" Hogan said that in addition to executive producing Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, he would be willing to provide the voice for the title character.

Salvadoran Earthquake Registers 0.2 On Local Man's Consciousness

PORTAGE, MI–A massive earthquake in El Salvador did not rock Walt Grella's world Saturday, measuring 0.2 on the Portage man's consciousness. "I think I heard something about that," Grella said of the Central American disaster that killed 600 and left 500 more missing and feared dead. "Yeah, it sounded kind of bad." Grella experienced no aftershocks from news of the quake, shrugging slightly before continuing with his day uninterrupted.

Clinton Not Expecting To Collect White House Security Deposit

WASHINGTON, DC–Surveying the White House's walls and bathroom fixtures in preparation for move-out, President Clinton said Monday that he expects to forfeit his security deposit. "It's just not worth it," Clinton said. "I'd rather lose the $575 than have to deal with fixing all the nail holes and chipped porticos and stuff." Noticing a small, brownish stain on the East Room's carpet, Clinton added: "It's not like the place is trashed, but eight years of summits and state dinners are really going to take their toll on a place."

Firearm-Safety Tips

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:
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Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Dead-tissue reanimation, projected in the 1980s to be standard medical practice by 2001, won't be possible for at least another decade, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's Mad Science Research Center announced Monday.

Mad Science & Technology

"They laughed when we said we would rekindle the divine spark of life in flesh grown cold and lifeless," said MIT mad scientist Dr. Otto Von Verruchtheit, the nation's leading corpse-reanimation expert, speaking from the castle that houses the MSRC's state-of-the-art corpse-reanimation laboratory. "Oh, how they laughed! They said we were mad to attempt such an unholy ambition by the century's end. Fools! Fools, all of them! However, in this case, they were actually right."

Von Verruchtheit then raised his arms to the heavens, attempting to summon a lightning bolt and thunder crash to punctuate his remarks. After several unsuccessful attempts, he gave up.

Von Verruchtheit's colleagues in the mad-scientific community admitted that that it may be decades before reanimation technology becomes a reality.

"The truth is, there are certain forms of horrible knowledge that Man was not meant to possess," said University of Chicago mad scientist Dr. Hans-Klaus Menschesser. "A twisted mind lusting after the unclean power to play God is not enough to bring the dead back to life. Only through strict adherence to the scientific method can these hubristic and unnatural schemes become possible."

Stanford University mad scientist Dr. Hugo Dammerung.

Still, others are more confident. "My plan to form a Modern Adam from the mere dust and clay of newly dead matter is not yet lost," said Stanford University's Dr. Hugo Dammerung, who predicted routine cadaver reanimation by 2000 in the October 1989 issue of Mad Scientific American. "True, I was unable to bring Helga, my beloved research assistant, back from the realm of death by the tenth anniversary of her fatal accident, but the problems are merely technical and will doubtless be solved by further diligent research and grave-robbing. And, indeed, why rush? Sweet Helga remains unwithered by the cruel ravages of Time, still as fair and fresh as the day she fell from her horse on the misty moor."

Dammerung then tenderly embraced the moldering pile of desiccated female remains on the stone dais of Stanford's Undergraduate Necrolab.

During the demented-tech boom of the '80s and early '90s, the mad sciences made great strides, including the development of high-voltage neck bolts and the discovery of a neon-green fluid that produces smoke when poured into beakers. But the past five years have witnessed a significant drop-off in federal funding for university-level mad-science programs.

"Just a few years ago, this field was booming," National Mad-Science Foundation director Dr. Gustav Blutgeist said. "In 1995, Cal Tech's mad-science Ph.D. program banished 39 brilliant-but-obsessed young men for practicing on non-living matter. By last year, that number had dropped to just four."

The situation has been exacerbated by the elimination of hunchback-studies programs at many technical colleges. Since 1990, the number of schools offering a two-year hunchbacking degree has dropped from 492 to 39, leaving many mad scientists without much-needed grotesque lab assistants.

"I have been waiting with my large syringe of glowing blue fluid and a brain in a glass jar since 1994," said University of Colorado mad scientist Dr. Zunther Kornbluth, speaking from his hidden laboratory high in the Rockies. "I believe I have solved the problem of violent reactions to organ music which so marred my experiments with the rabbits. Now, all I need is one major research grant to fund my raised lightning-attractor table, and I will create life! Life, do you hear me? Life!"

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