Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Dead-tissue reanimation, projected in the 1980s to be standard medical practice by 2001, won't be possible for at least another decade, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's Mad Science Research Center announced Monday.

Mad Science & Technology

"They laughed when we said we would rekindle the divine spark of life in flesh grown cold and lifeless," said MIT mad scientist Dr. Otto Von Verruchtheit, the nation's leading corpse-reanimation expert, speaking from the castle that houses the MSRC's state-of-the-art corpse-reanimation laboratory. "Oh, how they laughed! They said we were mad to attempt such an unholy ambition by the century's end. Fools! Fools, all of them! However, in this case, they were actually right."

Von Verruchtheit then raised his arms to the heavens, attempting to summon a lightning bolt and thunder crash to punctuate his remarks. After several unsuccessful attempts, he gave up.

Von Verruchtheit's colleagues in the mad-scientific community admitted that that it may be decades before reanimation technology becomes a reality.

"The truth is, there are certain forms of horrible knowledge that Man was not meant to possess," said University of Chicago mad scientist Dr. Hans-Klaus Menschesser. "A twisted mind lusting after the unclean power to play God is not enough to bring the dead back to life. Only through strict adherence to the scientific method can these hubristic and unnatural schemes become possible."

Stanford University mad scientist Dr. Hugo Dammerung.

Still, others are more confident. "My plan to form a Modern Adam from the mere dust and clay of newly dead matter is not yet lost," said Stanford University's Dr. Hugo Dammerung, who predicted routine cadaver reanimation by 2000 in the October 1989 issue of Mad Scientific American. "True, I was unable to bring Helga, my beloved research assistant, back from the realm of death by the tenth anniversary of her fatal accident, but the problems are merely technical and will doubtless be solved by further diligent research and grave-robbing. And, indeed, why rush? Sweet Helga remains unwithered by the cruel ravages of Time, still as fair and fresh as the day she fell from her horse on the misty moor."

Dammerung then tenderly embraced the moldering pile of desiccated female remains on the stone dais of Stanford's Undergraduate Necrolab.

During the demented-tech boom of the '80s and early '90s, the mad sciences made great strides, including the development of high-voltage neck bolts and the discovery of a neon-green fluid that produces smoke when poured into beakers. But the past five years have witnessed a significant drop-off in federal funding for university-level mad-science programs.

"Just a few years ago, this field was booming," National Mad-Science Foundation director Dr. Gustav Blutgeist said. "In 1995, Cal Tech's mad-science Ph.D. program banished 39 brilliant-but-obsessed young men for practicing on non-living matter. By last year, that number had dropped to just four."

The situation has been exacerbated by the elimination of hunchback-studies programs at many technical colleges. Since 1990, the number of schools offering a two-year hunchbacking degree has dropped from 492 to 39, leaving many mad scientists without much-needed grotesque lab assistants.

"I have been waiting with my large syringe of glowing blue fluid and a brain in a glass jar since 1994," said University of Colorado mad scientist Dr. Zunther Kornbluth, speaking from his hidden laboratory high in the Rockies. "I believe I have solved the problem of violent reactions to organ music which so marred my experiments with the rabbits. Now, all I need is one major research grant to fund my raised lightning-attractor table, and I will create life! Life, do you hear me? Life!"


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