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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was
discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia
muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of
Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking
business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up
with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the
night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime
syndicate.

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