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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Corruption In Bosnian Government Reveals Existence Of Bosnian Government

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—The recent discovery of corruption within the Bosnian government is being overshadowed by the even more shocking discovery that a Bosnian government actually exists in the first place, U.N. sources reported Monday.

Newly discovered Bosnian prime minister Alija Izetbegovic answers reporters' questions about the scandal engulfing the apparently existing Bosnian government.

"The misappropriation of $2.1 billion in United Nations relief funds by Bosnia's leaders has stunned me and my fellow countrymen," Sarajevo resident Emir Odobasic said. "We were completely unaware we had any leaders."

Bosnian citizens are accustomed to corruption, regarding bribery, extortion, graft and money laundering as facts of life in their chaotic, war-torn nation. However, few had any idea the corruption was governmental in nature.

"We have a government?" said Jasmin Vrsac, a Prijedor farmer who has worked his family's landmine-strewn fields for most of his 72 years. "I am surprised to hear this."

Bosnian government officials themselves were taken aback by the news of the government's existence.

"I knew I worked in some sort of large, bureaucratic office building in Sarajevo," Stolac Brcko said. "And I receive a weekly check for processing a big pile of forms. But neither I nor any of my associates had any knowledge that I was the Minister of Transport."

Newly discovered Bosnian prime minister Alija Izetbegovic, who said he is "as stunned as anyone" by the news of the corruption and the government's existence, has denied any wrongdoing.

"I have done nothing illegal," Izetbegovic said. "In fact, I have done nothing in particular whatsoever."

"This corruption scandal looks bad now, certainly," Izetbegovic told members of the Bosnian parliament, none of whom he recognized. "But I, as well as whoever the rest of Bosnia's leaders turn out to be, will be cleared of these charges very soon. With the help of U.N. investigators, we will reveal to the world just what happened here, as well as what exactly all of you strange people are doing in what I thought was my summer house."

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