Corruption In Bosnian Government Reveals Existence Of Bosnian Government

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 35

Exercise Briefly Considered

GERMANTOWN, TN—The notion of aerobic exercise fleetingly crossed the mind of Memphis-area office manager Theodore Sperling Monday. "There was half an hour to kill before Monday Night Football," Sperling said, "and I thought for a few seconds that maybe I should go for a walk around the block." After raising himself from the couch, however, Sperling instead walked to the kitchen for a leftover pork chop from that evening's dinner and returned to the living room, where he briefly channel-surfed before settling on a Game Show Network rerun of Match Game '75.

Doctors Say Pope Will Be Infallible For Another Year At Most

VATICAN CITY— According to papal physicians, 79-year-old Pope John Paul II, the infallible Earthly vicar of Christ, will likely become fallible within the next year. "Though infallible, as are all popes, our beloved John Paul is likely to lose his infallibility somewhere in the 10- to 12-month range," Vatican chief physician Dr. Giovanni Caggiano said Monday. "His eyesight and hearing already show strong signs of fallibility, and his frequent illness suggests a possible waning in his overall metaphysical perfection. Coronary fallibility is a real possibility in the near future."

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to miss Ally McBeal for that. "For God's sake, this is the classic 'Those Lips, That Hand' episode from last April," Smoller said. "That's the one where John tells Ally that Nelle thinks he's in love with Ally, and then he kisses her. And Nelle gets Barry White to sing at the bar for John's birthday, and then John goes up and dances on the stage and everyone joins him. And if that weren't enough, it's got that whole hilarious thing with Billy and Georgia trying the case where the guy gets fired from his job because of his bad comb-over, and the thing with Richard wanting to break up with Ling because she doesn't want to have sex with him. There's no way I'm missing all of that just to go to your silly 25th high-school reunion."

Congress Discontinues Festival Seating After Insurance-Deregulation-Bill Stampede

WASHINGTON, DC—Reacting to the Sept. 7 stampede in which 18 members of the House of Representatives were trampled to death in a mad dash to get good seats for a debate and vote on insurance-deregulation bill H.R. 1627, Congress announced Monday that it will end its longtime "festival seating" policy. "Regrettably, there is no way to turn back the clock and prevent the senseless loss of these representatives," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert told reporters. "But we can take steps to ensure that horrible tragedies like this never happen again." In the future, Hastert said, congressmen will purchase tickets with preassigned seat numbers and be required to sit in that seat.

Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?

To Hell With Philanthropy

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former, I enjoy the latter even more.

Ask A Chat Room

People Connection: Town Square: Twin Cities is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Chat Room, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Corruption In Bosnian Government Reveals Existence Of Bosnian Government

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—The recent discovery of corruption within the Bosnian government is being overshadowed by the even more shocking discovery that a Bosnian government actually exists in the first place, U.N. sources reported Monday.

Newly discovered Bosnian prime minister Alija Izetbegovic answers reporters' questions about the scandal engulfing the apparently existing Bosnian government.

"The misappropriation of $2.1 billion in United Nations relief funds by Bosnia's leaders has stunned me and my fellow countrymen," Sarajevo resident Emir Odobasic said. "We were completely unaware we had any leaders."

Bosnian citizens are accustomed to corruption, regarding bribery, extortion, graft and money laundering as facts of life in their chaotic, war-torn nation. However, few had any idea the corruption was governmental in nature.

"We have a government?" said Jasmin Vrsac, a Prijedor farmer who has worked his family's landmine-strewn fields for most of his 72 years. "I am surprised to hear this."

Bosnian government officials themselves were taken aback by the news of the government's existence.

"I knew I worked in some sort of large, bureaucratic office building in Sarajevo," Stolac Brcko said. "And I receive a weekly check for processing a big pile of forms. But neither I nor any of my associates had any knowledge that I was the Minister of Transport."

Newly discovered Bosnian prime minister Alija Izetbegovic, who said he is "as stunned as anyone" by the news of the corruption and the government's existence, has denied any wrongdoing.

"I have done nothing illegal," Izetbegovic said. "In fact, I have done nothing in particular whatsoever."

"This corruption scandal looks bad now, certainly," Izetbegovic told members of the Bosnian parliament, none of whom he recognized. "But I, as well as whoever the rest of Bosnia's leaders turn out to be, will be cleared of these charges very soon. With the help of U.N. investigators, we will reveal to the world just what happened here, as well as what exactly all of you strange people are doing in what I thought was my summer house."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More