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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny Share Joyous Moment Following Phillies World Series Victory

PHILADELPHIA—Lifetime Phillies fans Cory Matthews, 27, and his former next-door neighbor, educator, and longtime friend, Mr. Feeny, celebrated together after the Phillies captured their first World Series title in 28 years. "I remember when Mr. Matthews attempted to listen to a radio broadcast of a Phillies game during my English class. Now, 15 years later, there's nobody in the world with whom I'd rather celebrate this occasion," the wheelchair-bound Feeny said. "Throughout my years with Mr. Matthews, we've experienced some powerful moments—like when we switched places as teacher and student, or when I babysat him and caught him sneaking into an R-rated movie, or when I got sick because Cory wished I would get sick, prompting him to feel guilty about it—but this is the first time we can experience happiness together as Phillies fans." After their celebration, Matthews and Feeny shared a quiet, solemn moment to remember that Matthews' best friend Shawn Hunter would have been celebrating with them had he not passed away in a motorcycle accident last year.

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