HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the Judiciary Committee, you know,” said a visibly frustrated Garland, taking a swig of beer and complaining to the members of his road crew that if he hadn’t gotten “royally screwed” he would be on CSPAN-2 testifying right now. “It’s all a bunch of political bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I like working with you guys out there, but I had that nomination dead to rights, and they snatched it away from me. Well, guess it’s time to get back to work—those dotted white lines aren’t gonna paint themselves.” At press time, Garland was scooping out debris blocking a drainage basin on an I-695 median.