After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Counselors Quarantine Homesick Campers

CAMP WALLALONGABANKA, MN—Counselors at Wallalongabanka  Sleep-Away Camp say a potentially dangerous outbreak of homesickness has been contained in Mallard Cabin, where campers infected by "sudden acute attacks of missing their parents" were safely quarantined Saturday before the disease could spread.

"We believe the disease arrived in a box of homemade oatmeal raisin cookies, which we have since isolated," said Mallard Cabin group leader Mike Essl, who oversaw the 2002 treatment of a campfire ghost story–related outbreak of the heebie-jeebies. "Once you see the first couple of chins quivering, you gotta hustle them off quick to the cabin furthest from the craft shack."

Essl confirmed that the bodies of the four campers who succumbed to the homesickness outbreak were incinerated according to CDC guidelines.

After Birth

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