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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses

DENVER—Shortly after local woman Mary Ann Burnett accepted the marriage proposal of longtime boyfriend Dave Ellsworth during a dinner date Wednesday night, the smiling couple announced they couldn’t wait to get started planning their wedding expenses together. “I’ve been dreaming of this special day’s financial burden ever since I was a little girl, and now I finally get to shoulder it,” said Burnett, noting that she and Ellsworth were thrilled to begin leafing through magazines and picking out invitations, flower arrangements, cake, and all the other personalized touches that quickly add up as they put together the most costly moment of their lives. “We already have our hearts set on this perfect little venue beyond our means, and tomorrow I’ll start shopping for the priciest dress I’ll ever wear. Then Dave and I can discuss what painfully expensive dinner options we want for 120 people, or whether to go with an overpriced DJ or an unaffordable band—basically just come to a consensus about how exactly we want to spend a sum of money in a single night that could otherwise be used as a down payment on a house.” The couple affirmed they wanted to get the exorbitant ceremony just right, as it represents the debt they’re solemnly entering into for the rest of their lives.

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