Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses

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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses

DENVER—Shortly after local woman Mary Ann Burnett accepted the marriage proposal of longtime boyfriend Dave Ellsworth during a dinner date Wednesday night, the smiling couple announced they couldn’t wait to get started planning their wedding expenses together. “I’ve been dreaming of this special day’s financial burden ever since I was a little girl, and now I finally get to shoulder it,” said Burnett, noting that she and Ellsworth were thrilled to begin leafing through magazines and picking out invitations, flower arrangements, cake, and all the other personalized touches that quickly add up as they put together the most costly moment of their lives. “We already have our hearts set on this perfect little venue beyond our means, and tomorrow I’ll start shopping for the priciest dress I’ll ever wear. Then Dave and I can discuss what painfully expensive dinner options we want for 120 people, or whether to go with an overpriced DJ or an unaffordable band—basically just come to a consensus about how exactly we want to spend a sum of money in a single night that could otherwise be used as a down payment on a house.” The couple affirmed they wanted to get the exorbitant ceremony just right, as it represents the debt they’re solemnly entering into for the rest of their lives.

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