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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Following a long day of work and domestic drudgery, local husband and wife Gene and Brenda Nussbaum are reportedly going at it like a pair of exhausted, sexually inept rabbits. According to sources close to the perpetually tired pair, the two are really going to town on each other like a couple of resigned, sexually incompetent love bunnies who haven’t had sex in weeks. Having listlessly initiated the bout of coitus, sources confirmed Gene Nussbaum is frantically humping his wife like a short-of-breath young buck who at any moment could lose his erection, while Brenda is passively awaiting her husband’s orgasm like a fatigued, sexually disinterested cat in heat. At press time, following Gene’s stunted ejaculation, the Nussbaums were reportedly watching television and eating pretzels like there’s no tomorrow.

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