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Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Following a long day of work and domestic drudgery, local husband and wife Gene and Brenda Nussbaum are reportedly going at it like a pair of exhausted, sexually inept rabbits. According to sources close to the perpetually tired pair, the two are really going to town on each other like a couple of resigned, sexually incompetent love bunnies who haven’t had sex in weeks. Having listlessly initiated the bout of coitus, sources confirmed Gene Nussbaum is frantically humping his wife like a short-of-breath young buck who at any moment could lose his erection, while Brenda is passively awaiting her husband’s orgasm like a fatigued, sexually disinterested cat in heat. At press time, following Gene’s stunted ejaculation, the Nussbaums were reportedly watching television and eating pretzels like there’s no tomorrow.

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