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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Couple Has Nest Egg Of Debt To Make Sure They've Got Some Money To Owe Down The Road

BRIMLEY, MI—Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held. "We've been saving a little debt each year for about 15 years now, which might not sound like much, but as the debt grows over time, it will hopefully provide us with a nice chunk of debt we can dig into later on if we happen to run into any unexpected prosperity," said Wendy Ratliff, 47, adding that if she and her husband stuck to their plan, they would have enough outstanding payments stashed away to not only retire in debt but also to ensure that their children could inherit some of their debt as well. "It was a little difficult setting aside the debt at first, but after awhile, we just got used to it. Now we barely notice how crippling it's going to be." Ratliff said the nest egg was personally important to her, as her own mother had never put any debt aside and was now an elderly widow with almost no source of financial hardship.

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