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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Couple Has Nest Egg Of Debt To Make Sure They've Got Some Money To Owe Down The Road

BRIMLEY, MI—Local couple Matt and Wendy Ratliff told reporters Tuesday that they have been steadily building up a nest egg of debt to make sure that they always had something tucked away to owe banks and creditors no matter what the future held. "We've been saving a little debt each year for about 15 years now, which might not sound like much, but as the debt grows over time, it will hopefully provide us with a nice chunk of debt we can dig into later on if we happen to run into any unexpected prosperity," said Wendy Ratliff, 47, adding that if she and her husband stuck to their plan, they would have enough outstanding payments stashed away to not only retire in debt but also to ensure that their children could inherit some of their debt as well. "It was a little difficult setting aside the debt at first, but after awhile, we just got used to it. Now we barely notice how crippling it's going to be." Ratliff said the nest egg was personally important to her, as her own mother had never put any debt aside and was now an elderly widow with almost no source of financial hardship.

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