Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford

SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a couple of hand towels or placemats,” said Gallagher as she added a garlic press and a soap dispenser to the list while scouring the Bed Bath & Beyond website for other gifts comfortably in the $10 to $20 range. “Dave and Kathy can’t seem to hold on to one job between them, so we should definitely add something like a cooling rack. Or maybe this spice jar? It’s pretty small. I mean, I suppose we could ask for some napkin rings or a little picture frame, but I honestly don’t know how much cheaper we can go without it getting embarrassing.” In an effort to accommodate the very worst fuckups in their families, Gallagher and Perry had at press time added a disclaimer to their wedding website informing guests that gifts were optional and that their attendance alone will be “a present in itself.”

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