Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford

SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a couple of hand towels or placemats,” said Gallagher as she added a garlic press and a soap dispenser to the list while scouring the Bed Bath & Beyond website for other gifts comfortably in the $10 to $20 range. “Dave and Kathy can’t seem to hold on to one job between them, so we should definitely add something like a cooling rack. Or maybe this spice jar? It’s pretty small. I mean, I suppose we could ask for some napkin rings or a little picture frame, but I honestly don’t know how much cheaper we can go without it getting embarrassing.” In an effort to accommodate the very worst fuckups in their families, Gallagher and Perry had at press time added a disclaimer to their wedding website informing guests that gifts were optional and that their attendance alone will be “a present in itself.”

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