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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford

SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a couple of hand towels or placemats,” said Gallagher as she added a garlic press and a soap dispenser to the list while scouring the Bed Bath & Beyond website for other gifts comfortably in the $10 to $20 range. “Dave and Kathy can’t seem to hold on to one job between them, so we should definitely add something like a cooling rack. Or maybe this spice jar? It’s pretty small. I mean, I suppose we could ask for some napkin rings or a little picture frame, but I honestly don’t know how much cheaper we can go without it getting embarrassing.” In an effort to accommodate the very worst fuckups in their families, Gallagher and Perry had at press time added a disclaimer to their wedding website informing guests that gifts were optional and that their attendance alone will be “a present in itself.”

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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