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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports

OAKLAND, CA—Emphasizing that they, too, were a couple, local couple John and Kendra Wilkins suggested to couple Peter and McKenzie Kerns on Monday that the two couples get dinner together sometime, the couple confirmed. “We are a couple and you are also a couple, so we should go to dinner together as two couples,” the couple recommended to the other couple, noting that the two couples could also go out to drinks together or meet with a third couple. “We can update you on what we’ve been doing as a couple and you can update us on what you’ve been doing as a couple, and if our experiences overlap, we can discuss how we enjoyed our experiences as a couple relative to how you enjoyed your experiences as a couple. At the end of the dinner, we can talk about how nice it is to socialize with other couples, suggest getting together as couples again soon, and leave in our respective coupled pairings.” At press time, the couples confirmed plans to retain their mutual bond as couples until one couple became parents, at which point they would fall out of touch until the other couple became parents, and then they would all agree to meet up and socialize as parents.

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