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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports

OAKLAND, CA—Emphasizing that they, too, were a couple, local couple John and Kendra Wilkins suggested to couple Peter and McKenzie Kerns on Monday that the two couples get dinner together sometime, the couple confirmed. “We are a couple and you are also a couple, so we should go to dinner together as two couples,” the couple recommended to the other couple, noting that the two couples could also go out to drinks together or meet with a third couple. “We can update you on what we’ve been doing as a couple and you can update us on what you’ve been doing as a couple, and if our experiences overlap, we can discuss how we enjoyed our experiences as a couple relative to how you enjoyed your experiences as a couple. At the end of the dinner, we can talk about how nice it is to socialize with other couples, suggest getting together as couples again soon, and leave in our respective coupled pairings.” At press time, the couples confirmed plans to retain their mutual bond as couples until one couple became parents, at which point they would fall out of touch until the other couple became parents, and then they would all agree to meet up and socialize as parents.

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