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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing

PHILADELPHIA—After consuming numerous alcoholic beverages and repeatedly locking eyes throughout the night, area couple Tracy Williams and Steve Stills were reportedly so overcome with passion Saturday that they slipped out of Dana Leink's 26th birthday party for a quick 20 minutes of raucous fighting. "There was definitely some electricity between the two of them," said Kelly Brandt, adding that nothing could have stopped the couple from "going at it" for a while. "Tracy and Steve are so intense—I'm not surprised they couldn't keep their hands off each other." According to those in attendance, everyone inside the party could hear the fiery couple's moans as their bodies repeatedly slammed against the wall.

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