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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing

PHILADELPHIA—After consuming numerous alcoholic beverages and repeatedly locking eyes throughout the night, area couple Tracy Williams and Steve Stills were reportedly so overcome with passion Saturday that they slipped out of Dana Leink's 26th birthday party for a quick 20 minutes of raucous fighting. "There was definitely some electricity between the two of them," said Kelly Brandt, adding that nothing could have stopped the couple from "going at it" for a while. "Tracy and Steve are so intense—I'm not surprised they couldn't keep their hands off each other." According to those in attendance, everyone inside the party could hear the fiery couple's moans as their bodies repeatedly slammed against the wall.

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