adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock

The couple was kind enough to post photos such as this for guests to gleefully mock for hours on end.
The couple was kind enough to post photos such as this for guests to gleefully mock for hours on end.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Newly engaged couple Tom Kerry and Jessica Tompkins unveiled their wedding website on Tuesday, helpfully posting the page online for the benefit of guests attending the upcoming October nuptials to mock, ridicule, and repeatedly insult, sources report.

Family and friends of the couple confirmed that the site “Tom and Jess: Our Wedding,” which they created on the site TheKnot.com and customized over the course of two months with personal stories, photographs, and ceremony details, thoughtfully features a bounty of insufferable content for visitors to mercilessly scoff at.

“A poetic recounting of their first date? Are they for real?” said longtime friend of the bride Delia Xiao while browsing the website’s “Our Story” page, a collection of personal narratives, favorite memories, and factoids the couple spent several weeks brainstorming. “‘Jess met Tom two years ago / Would it be true love? She did not know.’ Wow. That has to be the dumbest thing ever written.”

“What a pair of dorks,” she added.

Describing the couple’s carefully composed website as a “real gem” that “people need to get a load of right now,” wedding guests confirmed that the couple spared no effort in crafting the site’s aesthetic, scrupulously selecting a design motif, color palette, and font scheme that’s “absolutely perfect” for anyone who wants a good laugh.

Friends particularly urged each other to visit the couple’s “unintentionally hilarious” photo gallery, a meticulously curated series of fall-themed snapshots featuring Kerry and Tompkins dressed up in different outfits sitting on a log, kissing in an apple orchard, and, for “reasons that must be known only to them,” tossing an armful of leaves into the air.

In addition, sources said that the extensive FAQ tab, which reportedly sheds light on “absolutely vital” questions such as “Will the band be taking requests at the reception?” reportedly received responses including “Who gives a shit?” “Why do I care?” and “Here’s a frequently asked question: Is this website dumb or what?”

“I can’t wait to work my way through this long list of things to do in Charlotte—after all, we’ll be staying there for so long!” groomsman Jake Whaley said while reading the site’s thoroughly researched guide of popular tourist attractions and shopping outlets. “Did you know that the city has one of America’s four photography museums? I’ll definitely want to spend some money there after paying $900 for my flight and hotel. Tom and Jess truly thought of everything.”

“And look, here’s a hand-drawn map I can print out in case I’m physically unable to type directions into Google,” he continued. “I’m going to print out at least 10 of these!”

Sources confirmed that in the last few days alone, visitors have linked to the wedding website in dozens of emails, chats, and private Facebook messages, snidely urging others to “sit down and buckle up” for the “Wedding Party” section with painstakingly fact-checked biographies of the wedding party, the “Contact Us” page with just the bride and groom’s email addresses, and the “Accommodations” page featuring a bulleted list of amenities at the local Hilton Garden Inn.

Rounding out the website’s “utter ridiculousness,” friends said, is a “Registry” page complete with links to personalized lists of goods from Macy’s, Crate & Barrel, and Bed Bath & Beyond that the couple, who reportedly still live in a rented apartment with three roommates, “apparently need to own.”

When reached for comment, the couple said they were delighted that the webpage has proved so popular among their friends.

“I can’t believe our ‘How Well Do You Know Tom & Jess’ quiz has been taken over 100 times already!” an excited Tompkins said of the questionnaire that friends have taken multiple times each in order to repeatedly laugh at the questions and answers. “It’s so nice to know people are actually making good use of the site and having a little fun before the wedding.”

At press time, friends confirmed that, in fairness, the idea of taking a trolley from the church to the reception hall was actually pretty cool.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close