adBlockCheck

Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock

The couple was kind enough to post photos such as this for guests to gleefully mock for hours on end.
The couple was kind enough to post photos such as this for guests to gleefully mock for hours on end.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Newly engaged couple Tom Kerry and Jessica Tompkins unveiled their wedding website on Tuesday, helpfully posting the page online for the benefit of guests attending the upcoming October nuptials to mock, ridicule, and repeatedly insult, sources report.

Family and friends of the couple confirmed that the site “Tom and Jess: Our Wedding,” which they created on the site TheKnot.com and customized over the course of two months with personal stories, photographs, and ceremony details, thoughtfully features a bounty of insufferable content for visitors to mercilessly scoff at.

“A poetic recounting of their first date? Are they for real?” said longtime friend of the bride Delia Xiao while browsing the website’s “Our Story” page, a collection of personal narratives, favorite memories, and factoids the couple spent several weeks brainstorming. “‘Jess met Tom two years ago / Would it be true love? She did not know.’ Wow. That has to be the dumbest thing ever written.”

“What a pair of dorks,” she added.

Describing the couple’s carefully composed website as a “real gem” that “people need to get a load of right now,” wedding guests confirmed that the couple spared no effort in crafting the site’s aesthetic, scrupulously selecting a design motif, color palette, and font scheme that’s “absolutely perfect” for anyone who wants a good laugh.

Friends particularly urged each other to visit the couple’s “unintentionally hilarious” photo gallery, a meticulously curated series of fall-themed snapshots featuring Kerry and Tompkins dressed up in different outfits sitting on a log, kissing in an apple orchard, and, for “reasons that must be known only to them,” tossing an armful of leaves into the air.

In addition, sources said that the extensive FAQ tab, which reportedly sheds light on “absolutely vital” questions such as “Will the band be taking requests at the reception?” reportedly received responses including “Who gives a shit?” “Why do I care?” and “Here’s a frequently asked question: Is this website dumb or what?”

“I can’t wait to work my way through this long list of things to do in Charlotte—after all, we’ll be staying there for so long!” groomsman Jake Whaley said while reading the site’s thoroughly researched guide of popular tourist attractions and shopping outlets. “Did you know that the city has one of America’s four photography museums? I’ll definitely want to spend some money there after paying $900 for my flight and hotel. Tom and Jess truly thought of everything.”

“And look, here’s a hand-drawn map I can print out in case I’m physically unable to type directions into Google,” he continued. “I’m going to print out at least 10 of these!”

Sources confirmed that in the last few days alone, visitors have linked to the wedding website in dozens of emails, chats, and private Facebook messages, snidely urging others to “sit down and buckle up” for the “Wedding Party” section with painstakingly fact-checked biographies of the wedding party, the “Contact Us” page with just the bride and groom’s email addresses, and the “Accommodations” page featuring a bulleted list of amenities at the local Hilton Garden Inn.

Rounding out the website’s “utter ridiculousness,” friends said, is a “Registry” page complete with links to personalized lists of goods from Macy’s, Crate & Barrel, and Bed Bath & Beyond that the couple, who reportedly still live in a rented apartment with three roommates, “apparently need to own.”

When reached for comment, the couple said they were delighted that the webpage has proved so popular among their friends.

“I can’t believe our ‘How Well Do You Know Tom & Jess’ quiz has been taken over 100 times already!” an excited Tompkins said of the questionnaire that friends have taken multiple times each in order to repeatedly laugh at the questions and answers. “It’s so nice to know people are actually making good use of the site and having a little fun before the wedding.”

At press time, friends confirmed that, in fairness, the idea of taking a trolley from the church to the reception hall was actually pretty cool.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close