WASHINGTON—In what experts are describing as the most marked improvement in American academic performance in decades, a study released Friday by the U.S. Department of Education has found that the majority of the nation’s students have attained the skills necessary to recognize math.
FREEPORT, ME—After six months of attempting to conceive of having children, local couple Beth and Nathan Jablonski told reporters Monday that they are still no closer to implanting the notion. "We try almost every night," said a visibly frustrated Nathan, whose underdeveloped sense of responsibility, coupled with Beth's less-than-fertile imagination, is partly to blame for the Jablonskis' current situation. "But time after time, the whole idea is suddenly aborted before it has a chance to grow." The couple said that they are considering adopting a new life philosophy, but, due to Beth's blackened, withered ovaries, the point remains irrelevant.