As our employees ceaselessly analyze a vast trove of classified White House documents on ocean barges floating outside the jurisdiction of the Fair Labor Standards Act, we are finding ample evidence that the path being pursued by this president and his cabinet is, as anticipated, startlingly unlike any other in history.
FREEPORT, ME—After six months of attempting to conceive of having children, local couple Beth and Nathan Jablonski told reporters Monday that they are still no closer to implanting the notion. "We try almost every night," said a visibly frustrated Nathan, whose underdeveloped sense of responsibility, coupled with Beth's less-than-fertile imagination, is partly to blame for the Jablonskis' current situation. "But time after time, the whole idea is suddenly aborted before it has a chance to grow." The couple said that they are considering adopting a new life philosophy, but, due to Beth's blackened, withered ovaries, the point remains irrelevant.