Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

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Vol 33 Issue 18

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."

Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as Hot Rod magazine's June centerfold. "The Corvette has conducted itself in a manner unbecoming of a Motor Trend Car Of The Year," Motor Trend editor-in-chief Paul Brookman said, "and we can no longer in good conscience allow this automobile to represent the crown." Car Of The Year first runner-up, the 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix, will take the Corvette's place.

Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below the poverty line to a lack of child jobs. "If you want to know why 14 million children in this country are living in poverty, all you have to do is take a look at the U.S. child-unemployment rate–it currently stands at 99 percent," said committee chair Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS). "If we are to have any chance of fighting child hunger, illiteracy and illness, we need to get these kids back on their feet and working again."

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!
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Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an impressive display of sexual stamina and tenacity, apartment-directly-below sources said.

"There they go again," said downstairs neighbor Murray Schuman, a 41-year-old bakery owner who gets up each day before dawn to decorate cakes, as a steady, rhythmic thumping knocked plaster dust from his ceiling for the umpteenth time.

Eleanor DiPaoli, a resident of the Brooklyn, NY, brownstone where Peter Kafka and Rachel Brown have been going at it like rabbits for hours on end.

The couple, 26-year-old advertising copywriter Peter Kafka and his live-in companion, graphic-design specialist Rachel Brown, have reportedly been banging away ever since moving into the three-story brownstone last May. Both are said to be relatively quiet and conservative in outward appearance, qualities that belie their insatiable animal appetites and tremendous capacity for vigorous sexual exertion.

Said a bleary-eyed Schuman: "They seem like a nice enough couple, and they always say hello when I run into them in the building's front lobby. But right now, I just need to get some rest. It seems like every night, just as I finally start to drift off to sleep, the gasping and pounding kicks in again. They start out gently, emitting little gasps of pleasure, and then gradually increase the intensity and tempo, eventually building up to full-strength shouts of 'Give me what I need!' and what have you."

"Those two are a couple of real troopers, I'll give them that much," Schuman said. "They take care of business. Once they get started, they don't let up."

Schuman said he normally wouldn't complain, but he had been tossing and turning for hours, and this business had been going on all night. As a high-pitched, seemingly endless chant of "Let me have it!" cascaded down from Kafka and Brown's third-floor apartment, he began banging on the ceiling with a broom, shouting that it was the middle of the goddamn night. Schuman is not the only building resident who has been affected by the constantly going-at-it couple.

"Always with the schtupping at all hours," said apartment 2-B occupant Rose Teitelbaum, a retiree who has lived in this building since before you were born. "In my day, such a thing, it was shameful, a scandal. It is like a bordello, I am telling you. Such a racket! And unmarried, nu?"

Teitelbaum, whose bed is directly below Kafka and Brown's bathroom, site of their 9 p.m. and 11 p.m. sexual encounters, said the whole neighborhood is talking, and that she fears some days even to show her face for the embarrassment of having such flagrant and indiscreet young persons living in this, her building, where her own mother taught her so many years ago to show respect.

According to neighborhood sources, the building has not witnessed such frequent, vigorous and vociferous sexual intercourse since May 1991, when the second floor walk-up was briefly occupied by a bicycle messenger named Ramon, who regularly kept residents awake with repeated late-night dalliances with someone he reportedly referred to as "Madre de Dios."

Ramon left after just two months to pursue a modeling career in Los Angeles, sources said. Since then, however, many building residents have been fearful that the increasing gentrification of their neighborhood and subsequent influx of ambitious, young, sexually active college graduates may permanently alter the working-class, retiree neighborhood's placid atmosphere.

"For this–the gasping, the thrusting, the pounding, the shouting in the middle of night–I pay taxes for 53 years?" Teitelbaum said. "Thank heaven my hearing is not so good as what it used to be, or I wouldn't get one wink of sleep with all the oohing and the aahing and the screaming like the gorillas in the jungle."

Despite such strong opposition to the couple, widow and longtime building fixture Eleanor DiPaoli has been staunch in her support of Brown and Kafka. Claiming that young love is the most beautiful thing in all the world and that detractors like Teitelbaum are dried-up old bats who should only be so lucky, DiPaoli defended the couple's right to go at it whenever and as loudly as they wish.

"In my day, the Earth itself would move from the titanic force of my late husband Salvatore and I making with the romance in the midnight hours," DiPaoli told reporters. "I would sing out in joy like an opera singer, with long sustained fortissimo arias. I was known as far away as Flatbush Avenue for the crescendos of passion I set forth on those breathless nights. Then my Sal, God rest his soul, would suddenly switch the tempo doppio movimento, and my heart would swell with joy. And those afternoon intermezzos, when he'd sneak back from the warehouse and call out 'Mi amor!' with his hands full of flowers and his smile full of love, oh, that I will never forget..."

DiPaoli went on to speak at great length and in lurid detail before eventually falling asleep in her chair.

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