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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan

MANHATTAN, NY—Nestled in the southeast corner of New York State, Manhattan is an old-fashioned sort of community, the kind of place where people still live in close proximity to one another and walk to the corner store to pick up the daily paper.

A 1996 photo of Abe and Myra Saunders, whose divorce this week sent shockwaves through the town of Manhattan, NY (see map, left).

So when the people of this close-knit burg on the Hudson River found out that two of their own, Abe and Myra Saunders, were divorcing after 23 years of marriage, disbelief was the prevailing response.

"I was stunned when I heard that somebody in our town was getting divorced," said David Cutler, 37, who said he doesn't know the Saunderses but lives just six blocks from their apartment on 77th Street. "This just isn't the kind of thing that normally goes on around here."

"My first reaction was total denial—I simply didn't think it was possible," said Andrea Zimmer, 34, a lifelong resident of the town's sleepy little Upper West Side neighborhood. "Maybe things like this are considered commonplace in other towns, but not here in Manhattan."

Even more shocking to local residents were the circumstances surrounding the couple's breakup. For the past year and a half, Abe, 48, a tax attorney with the local savings-and-loan Chase Manhattan Bank, has been having a affair with Lisette Solomon, a 26-year-old co-worker.

Manhattan

Myra, 47, a buyer for Bloomingdale's, a local clothing shop, did not find out about her husband's infidelity until Jan. 21, when he confessed and requested a divorce in order to move in with his mistress.

"Abe's scandalous affair with a younger woman is the talk of the town," said Elliott Sharperson, a writer for the local paper, The New York Times. "From the post office to the library to the butcher shop, pretty much anywhere you go around here, that's all anyone's talking about."

"Can you imagine? A tax attorney secretly sleeping with a woman 22 years his junior?" said Manhattan resident Edna Rudolph. "I don't know how Abe can ever expect to walk down the street in this town again without feeling like everyone's staring at him. The shame he must feel."

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