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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Couple’s Fucked-Up Presex Ritual Involves Tucking Both Kids Into Bed

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight. The “nasty freaks” reportedly watch their 2- and 5-year-olds brush their teeth, sing them a little song, and pull the covers snugly over their bodies as a form of foreplay carried out prior to intercourse in their own bedroom. Accounts suggest that the Finlays are, in fact, so dedicated to this erotic practice that they perform it nightly and very likely “can’t get their pervy rocks off without it.” Given their deviant sexual proclivities, sources speculated that the couple probably liked to stay quiet during sex just so they could secretly listen in on their youngest through the baby monitor.

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