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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her

CHICAGO—Displaying the fortitude and mettle of only the most battle-hardened warriors, local man Cory Watts courageously overcame the body language of a woman at O’Houlihan’s Pub to continue hitting on her, sources confirmed Thursday. Reports indicate that despite the woman’s folded arms and total lack of eye contact, the fearless soul bravely pressed on with several pointless anecdotes. While a lesser mortal might have retreated after the woman checked her phone for the fifth time in three minutes, the valiant Watts reportedly summoned the inner strength to offer to buy her a drink once she finished the one she was working on. According to witnesses, the intrepid adventurer then shifted his body in an effort to remain facing her after she began to rotate away, soldiering on to compliment the smile that she had at no point presented to him. As the woman hastily began paying her tab and putting on her coat, sources confirm that the man with the heart of a lion plunged ahead a final time and asked if he could have her phone number.

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