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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her

CHICAGO—Displaying the fortitude and mettle of only the most battle-hardened warriors, local man Cory Watts courageously overcame the body language of a woman at O’Houlihan’s Pub to continue hitting on her, sources confirmed Thursday. Reports indicate that despite the woman’s folded arms and total lack of eye contact, the fearless soul bravely pressed on with several pointless anecdotes. While a lesser mortal might have retreated after the woman checked her phone for the fifth time in three minutes, the valiant Watts reportedly summoned the inner strength to offer to buy her a drink once she finished the one she was working on. According to witnesses, the intrepid adventurer then shifted his body in an effort to remain facing her after she began to rotate away, soldiering on to compliment the smile that she had at no point presented to him. As the woman hastily began paying her tab and putting on her coat, sources confirm that the man with the heart of a lion plunged ahead a final time and asked if he could have her phone number.

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