Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency

Top Headlines


Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

Recent polls indicate that, despite public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities, Donald Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. Here are some reasons Trump stays so popular with his supporters:

Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans

Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan

This week, Donald Trump unveiled his plan for addressing immigration as president, a series of core principles that specify his heretofore generalized statements about America’s relationship with immigrants. Here are the items detailed in Trump’s outline

Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch

HOPE, AR—Saying all public appearances would be canceled until they could find a way to free the former Arkansas governor, officials announced Friday that Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign had been suspended due to the Republican candidate becoming trapped in a briar patch.

What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far

Hillary Clinton agreed to turn over her private email server to the FBI Wednesday after it was alleged that emails sent over her personal account could be compromised outside the possession of the government. Here are some of the contents of Clinton’s emails that have been inspected thus far

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election.

Most Used Words In The GOP Debate

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Here are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is

CLEVELAND—Noting that there are millions of entrepreneurs throughout the country who are in the same difficult position, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump responded to a question about the economy at Thursday night’s primary debate by sharing an anecdote about meeting a struggling small business owner who isn’t half the man he is.

What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency

WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton announced Monday that he has invited his tow-headed 8-year-old cousin Oliver to live with him at the White House during the final year of his presidency.

President Clinton welcomes adorable Cousin Oliver to the White House family.

"Welcome aboard, Cousin Oliver," Clinton said at a press conference. "As the Clinton presidency nears the end of a successful eight-year run, I'm confident that your sunny smile and spunky demeanor will warm the hearts of the American people, as well as renew interest in my administration."

At the president's side was the diminutive, bespectacled Oliver, whose short stature, bowl haircut and 1970s-style clothes were already winning the hearts of the White House press corps.

It remains unclear how Oliver came to live with the Clintons. It is believed that his parents are on some kind of expedition in another country.

"This is not something we expected at all," Clinton said. "Last week, when Hillary told me there would be an addition to the family, everyone assumed she was pregnant. I never imagined she meant Cousin Oliver."

Clinton said he would make every effort to help the nerdy, glasses-wearing Oliver fit in.

"I pledge to Oliver that we will do everything we can to make him feel welcome," Clinton said. "He is as much a part of the family as anyone who has been here since the beginning." The president then turned to the boy and asked, "How do you like them apples, Cousin Oliver?"

"They're okay, I guess," Oliver replied, "but I like Sloppy Joes a lot more. Can we have them for dinner tonight?"

Oliver's literal interpretation of Clinton's query prompted a good deal of good-natured chuckling from the assemblage of reporters.

Responding to a reporter's question, Clinton said Oliver would be staying in "[daughter] Chelsea's old room, from before she moved away for college."

"Chelsea's room?" Cousin Oliver added. "Girl stuff... Yuck!"

The remark prompted more laughter.

Though Oliver will not serve in any official capacity, he is expected to fulfill several White House duties, including looking over Clinton's shoulder as he works in the Oval Office and asking him endless questions until the president, feigning exasperation, asks him to go outside and play in the Rose Garden. Oliver is also expected to have numerous amusing interactions with the White House's zany, eager-to-marry housekeeper.

Oliver is already proving to have a nose for adventure. Shortly after arriving Sunday, Oliver convinced CIA director George Tenet to investigate whether the Clintons' longtime butcher is actually a spy. "George and me are a couple of regular super-snoopers," Oliver, sporting a Sherlock Holmes-style deerstalker cap and magnifying glass, told reporters. "We got that sneaky butcher trapped in his own meat locker right now!"

Oliver's arrival has been praised by many Beltway insiders, who view it as a shrewd way to reinject some youthful energy to the Clinton White House before it passes into history.

"In January 1993, when the Clinton Administration made its debut, many of the Cabinet members were young and cute," said Washington Post columnist David Broder. "But now they are older, and even Clinton's daughter Chelsea is all grown up. The introduction of Cousin Oliver will reverse that trend, not to mention provide Clinton speechwriters with plenty of opportunities to come up with adorable one-liners to delight the American people."

Not everyone is thrilled with the addition, however. "Adding an adorable moppet to the White House cast at this late stage in the Clinton presidency is nothing more than a cheap gimmick," conservative commentator Laura Ingraham said. "This boy, although undeniably cute, is neither a seasoned professional politician nor an expert in economic and international policy."

Others go so far as to suggest that Oliver could pose a threat to presidential and national security, branding him a "jinx."

"Oliver's only been here two days, and already odd things have been happening," said an unnamed Secret Service agent, speaking on condition of anonymity. "First, he spilled ketchup all over Mrs. Clinton. Then, while playing basketball with Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, he tossed the basketball into a bunch of flower pots, causing them to shatter. And his snoring at night has kept everyone awake."

But Suzanne Horlick, Clinton's assistant press secretary, denied the jinx allegations, citing a trip to Los Angeles taken by Oliver and several members of the Clinton Administration last July.

"We were entering the Paramount Pictures lot for their studio tour, with Cousin Oliver bringing up the rear," Horlick said. "As we all passed through the turnstile, we were stopped by a studio guard. At first, we all groaned, because we were afraid we were in trouble, and that Oliver had jinxed us. But were we wrong! The guard had stopped us to say that Oliver was the one millionth person to go on the studio tour, and his prize was a chance to be in a movie with his friends! So they dressed us up in old-fashioned clothes, and we threw pies at each other, just like in an old silent movie! It was the most fun we ever had, and it was all thanks to Oliver."

If the addition of Oliver is successful, Horlick said more surprises could be in store for the final year of the Clinton Administration, including the Clintons winning the lottery and a Hillary-Chelsea double wedding. She would not comment on rumors of a twist ending to the Clinton era, in which it is revealed that the last eight years were a dream.