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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Cousins Meaner This Year

Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.
Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.

POTOMAC, MD—Noting a perceptible shift in the young relatives’ general attitude and demeanor, Weinberg family sources confirmed Thursday that cousins Jason Weinberg, 13, and Jake Weinberg, 15, seemed a lot meaner this year.

Reports indicate the cousins’ noticeably changed personalities included sharper, more sarcastic senses of humor, an unambiguous lack of enthusiasm for spending time with cousins Katie and Ben—whom they always seemed to get along great with before, sources emphasized—and a marked indifference to the Weinberg family Christmas traditions in general.

“They got meaner. And bigger, too. Bigger and meaner,” Katie Weinberg, 11, said of her cousins, explaining that not only were Jason and Jake uncharacteristically rude, uninterested, and prone to wisecracks this year, but their physical appearances were also notably different, with Jason adding several inches in height and Jake adding substantial bulk to his previously slight frame. “They’ve said about five words to me the whole time they’ve been at our house. They just make little jokey comments to each other instead.”

“And their voices are all deep,” Katie added.

Sources close to the situation say the cousins’ behavior fluctuated between complete silence and snickering amongst each other, with Jake occasionally checking his smartphone and Jason almost imperceptibly rolling his eyes after every sentence uttered by an adult.

Jason and Jake also reportedly showed significantly diminished interest in typically popular Weinberg Christmas traditions including playing with the dogs in the backyard, checking out what new items the respective Weinberg children had added to their bedrooms and wardrobes, and alternately jumping, rolling, and lying on Carol Weinberg’s waterbed.

“They won’t even make eye contact, really, and the only words I’ve heard them say are ‘What’s up,’ ‘No,’ and ‘I dunno,’” Katie’s brother Ben told reporters. “Jake has been wearing his sweatshirt hood on his head, indoors, for almost the entire time he’s been here.”

On the bright side, Katie noted, cousin Jake was looking a lot hotter.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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