Cousins Meaner This Year

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Cousins Meaner This Year

Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.
Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.

POTOMAC, MD—Noting a perceptible shift in the young relatives’ general attitude and demeanor, Weinberg family sources confirmed Thursday that cousins Jason Weinberg, 13, and Jake Weinberg, 15, seemed a lot meaner this year.

Reports indicate the cousins’ noticeably changed personalities included sharper, more sarcastic senses of humor, an unambiguous lack of enthusiasm for spending time with cousins Katie and Ben—whom they always seemed to get along great with before, sources emphasized—and a marked indifference to the Weinberg family Christmas traditions in general.

“They got meaner. And bigger, too. Bigger and meaner,” Katie Weinberg, 11, said of her cousins, explaining that not only were Jason and Jake uncharacteristically rude, uninterested, and prone to wisecracks this year, but their physical appearances were also notably different, with Jason adding several inches in height and Jake adding substantial bulk to his previously slight frame. “They’ve said about five words to me the whole time they’ve been at our house. They just make little jokey comments to each other instead.”

“And their voices are all deep,” Katie added.

Sources close to the situation say the cousins’ behavior fluctuated between complete silence and snickering amongst each other, with Jake occasionally checking his smartphone and Jason almost imperceptibly rolling his eyes after every sentence uttered by an adult.

Jason and Jake also reportedly showed significantly diminished interest in typically popular Weinberg Christmas traditions including playing with the dogs in the backyard, checking out what new items the respective Weinberg children had added to their bedrooms and wardrobes, and alternately jumping, rolling, and lying on Carol Weinberg’s waterbed.

“They won’t even make eye contact, really, and the only words I’ve heard them say are ‘What’s up,’ ‘No,’ and ‘I dunno,’” Katie’s brother Ben told reporters. “Jake has been wearing his sweatshirt hood on his head, indoors, for almost the entire time he’s been here.”

On the bright side, Katie noted, cousin Jake was looking a lot hotter.


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