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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Cousins Meaner This Year

Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.
Weinberg family sources confirm that Jake and Jason seem a lot meaner this year.

POTOMAC, MD—Noting a perceptible shift in the young relatives’ general attitude and demeanor, Weinberg family sources confirmed Thursday that cousins Jason Weinberg, 13, and Jake Weinberg, 15, seemed a lot meaner this year.

Reports indicate the cousins’ noticeably changed personalities included sharper, more sarcastic senses of humor, an unambiguous lack of enthusiasm for spending time with cousins Katie and Ben—whom they always seemed to get along great with before, sources emphasized—and a marked indifference to the Weinberg family Christmas traditions in general.

“They got meaner. And bigger, too. Bigger and meaner,” Katie Weinberg, 11, said of her cousins, explaining that not only were Jason and Jake uncharacteristically rude, uninterested, and prone to wisecracks this year, but their physical appearances were also notably different, with Jason adding several inches in height and Jake adding substantial bulk to his previously slight frame. “They’ve said about five words to me the whole time they’ve been at our house. They just make little jokey comments to each other instead.”

“And their voices are all deep,” Katie added.

Sources close to the situation say the cousins’ behavior fluctuated between complete silence and snickering amongst each other, with Jake occasionally checking his smartphone and Jason almost imperceptibly rolling his eyes after every sentence uttered by an adult.

Jason and Jake also reportedly showed significantly diminished interest in typically popular Weinberg Christmas traditions including playing with the dogs in the backyard, checking out what new items the respective Weinberg children had added to their bedrooms and wardrobes, and alternately jumping, rolling, and lying on Carol Weinberg’s waterbed.

“They won’t even make eye contact, really, and the only words I’ve heard them say are ‘What’s up,’ ‘No,’ and ‘I dunno,’” Katie’s brother Ben told reporters. “Jake has been wearing his sweatshirt hood on his head, indoors, for almost the entire time he’s been here.”

On the bright side, Katie noted, cousin Jake was looking a lot hotter.

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