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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening. “Oh God, listen to this: ‘The company’s mission of optimizing multi-platform engagement through strategic and creative brand-centric marketing solutions really resonates with me’—boy, this poor guy really did some research,” said senior account executive Melanie Bittle while shaking her head in pity for the job candidate, whose proclaimed admiration for the firm’s 2014 Med Ad News Agency Of The Year award made his application significantly more depressing than any of the vaguely worded and nondescript ones that were submitted for the entry-level copywriter position. “Look, he references three separate campaigns we’ve worked on, and here he even mentions our vice president by name. Jesus, this is so much more pathetic than all the regular copy-and-pasted cover letters we got, half of which weren’t even addressed correctly.” At press time, Percepta staffers were reportedly struggling to read through an absolutely heartbreaking follow-up email sent by the applicant stating that he was “still very much interested in the position” and “really looking forward to hearing back soon.”

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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