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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Cow Excited To Freak The Fuck Out During Solar Eclipse

ADAMS, TN—Saying the celestial phenomenon was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for her, a local cow announced Monday that she was excited to freak the fuck out during the solar eclipse. “I’m gonna be long gone before this pasture is in the path of totality again, so from the moment the moon begins to obstruct the sun to the final seconds before the light of day returns, I’m going to absolutely lose my goddamn mind,” said the 4-year-old Holstein, confirming that while she normally spends the afternoon grazing, the abrupt, all-encompassing blackness from the eclipse would be a great opportunity to run back and forth aimlessly while mooing like a “fucking maniac.” “I’ll probably book it straight towards the electric fence but then kind of veer off and charge through the herd like a lunatic to get the other cows as freaked out as I am. Then maybe I’ll suddenly stop and just stand there frozen solid for a few minutes before bolting again. Either way, I’m fortunate to be coming completely unglued during a spectacular event like this.” The cow went on to say that if any human tried to approach her during the eclipse event, she was definitely going to bite the shit out of them.

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