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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Cowboys Award 6-Year, $108 Million Extension To Super Bowl–Watching Quarterback Tony Romo

IRVING, TX—In an effort to prevent the multiple championship–viewing player from reaching free agency, the Dallas Cowboys announced this week that the team had signed Super Bowl–watching quarterback Tony Romo to a six-year, $108 million contract extension. “Tony has already watched seven Super Bowls for us,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who acknowledged that the most lucrative contract in team history will put extra pressure on Romo to continue watching championships. “He was born to watch the Super Bowl, he’s proven himself capable of it, and we are confident that the next few years will see Tony Romo watch many, many more Super Bowls as a Dallas Cowboy.” Jones added that a major focus for the team this season will be on keeping Tony Romo healthy so that he can watch the entire 2014 playoffs.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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