Cowboys Award 6-Year, $108 Million Extension To Super Bowl–Watching Quarterback Tony Romo

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Vol 49 Issue 14

Majority Of Americans Now Support Legalizing Marijuana

According to the Pew Research Center, 52 percent of Americans are now in favor of legalizing marijuana while only 45 percent oppose it, marking the first time in over 40 years of polling by the company that a majority of citizens have backed pot’s l...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Cowboys Award 6-Year, $108 Million Extension To Super Bowl–Watching Quarterback Tony Romo

IRVING, TX—In an effort to prevent the multiple championship–viewing player from reaching free agency, the Dallas Cowboys announced this week that the team had signed Super Bowl–watching quarterback Tony Romo to a six-year, $108 million contract extension. “Tony has already watched seven Super Bowls for us,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who acknowledged that the most lucrative contract in team history will put extra pressure on Romo to continue watching championships. “He was born to watch the Super Bowl, he’s proven himself capable of it, and we are confident that the next few years will see Tony Romo watch many, many more Super Bowls as a Dallas Cowboy.” Jones added that a major focus for the team this season will be on keeping Tony Romo healthy so that he can watch the entire 2014 playoffs.

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