adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break

DALLAS—In response to numerous off-the-field issues over the past several years, team sources confirmed Friday that the Dallas Cowboys have provided wide receiver Dez Bryant with a clear set of personal conduct rules that he is allowed to break. "If Dez ignores the midnight curfew, skips the twice-a-week counseling session, or drinks alcohol from time to time, that's totally fine," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, adding that the third-year wideout can also visit strip clubs as long as he avoids getting into fights. "We expect that Mr. Bryant will certainly try not to initiate arguments with police officers. And for Christ's sake, Dez, don't hit your mom with a closed fist." At press time, Jones was reportedly relieved to learn Bryant was completely sober after having been pulled over for speeding and reckless driving at 3 a.m. Friday.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close