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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break

DALLAS—In response to numerous off-the-field issues over the past several years, team sources confirmed Friday that the Dallas Cowboys have provided wide receiver Dez Bryant with a clear set of personal conduct rules that he is allowed to break. "If Dez ignores the midnight curfew, skips the twice-a-week counseling session, or drinks alcohol from time to time, that's totally fine," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, adding that the third-year wideout can also visit strip clubs as long as he avoids getting into fights. "We expect that Mr. Bryant will certainly try not to initiate arguments with police officers. And for Christ's sake, Dez, don't hit your mom with a closed fist." At press time, Jones was reportedly relieved to learn Bryant was completely sober after having been pulled over for speeding and reckless driving at 3 a.m. Friday.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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