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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There

POTOMAC, MD—According to coworker Luke Nielson, he almost got that exact same dish when he himself ate at the Water Lily Café located in downtown Potomac. "I was this close to getting that," said Nielson, holding his thumb and forefinger slightly apart. "I just couldn't pass up the macadamia- encrusted sea bass, though. You should definitely get that the next time you go." Nielson said he also nearly went to that very same film, but decided instead to see The Secret Life Of Bees.

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