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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coworker Even A Dick In His Expense Reports

LIVONIA, MI—Charging his transportation, lodging, and entertainment costs to his company's expense account is just one more opportunity for Soar Electronics sales representative Shaun Millsen to be a total cock, according to controller Joe Borowski, who provided Millsen's expense notes from a recent sales trip Monday. "Extra transpo. charge applies for black airport limo after first limo, white, had to be sent back, obviously. Entertainment exp. for bullshit client, $650," read an excerpt. Said Borowski: "He didn't even have receipts for most of them besides." Borowski added that, judging by the frequency and quantity of Millsen's room-service drink orders, he is also a complete dick to his wife.

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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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