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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Coworker Even A Dick In His Expense Reports

LIVONIA, MI—Charging his transportation, lodging, and entertainment costs to his company's expense account is just one more opportunity for Soar Electronics sales representative Shaun Millsen to be a total cock, according to controller Joe Borowski, who provided Millsen's expense notes from a recent sales trip Monday. "Extra transpo. charge applies for black airport limo after first limo, white, had to be sent back, obviously. Entertainment exp. for bullshit client, $650," read an excerpt. Said Borowski: "He didn't even have receipts for most of them besides." Borowski added that, judging by the frequency and quantity of Millsen's room-service drink orders, he is also a complete dick to his wife.

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