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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Coworker Hastily Leaves Break Room To Avoid 'Here Comes The Boom' Spoilers

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Determined to remain insulated from all major and minor plot points until this weekend, file clerk Grant Hollis rushed from Midwest Publishing’s employee break room Monday at the first mention of the 2012 comedy film Here Comes The Boom. “Everyone around here has already watched Here Comes The Boom, it’s all they’re talking about, and I really don’t want any part of the movie ruined before I see it,” said Hollis, who bolted from the room with his hands over his ears the moment conversation turned to the Kevin James vehicle. “I wouldn’t even let myself watch the trailer. I just want to sit down and be surprised.” At press time, this reporter hasn’t seen Here Comes The Boom, but it’s pretty safe to say that Kevin James saves the goddamn school at the end.

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