adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up

NEWARK, NJ—According to colleagues of Steven Murphy, the veteran designer best contributes to the creativity, efficiency, and morale of his employer, Design-X, when he is absent. "We have our best days around here when Steven's out of the office—people collaborate without constant interruption, work flow isn't derailed so he can make his useless notations all over everything, and you can freely critique design work without worrying that someone's going to take it as a personal attack," said a coworker of Murphy's who requested anonymity. "Best of all, people go home without a splitting headache induced by a single subject: Steven Murphy, The Brilliant, Talented, And Criminally Underappreciated Designer." Coworkers declined to comment further after Murphy entered the room.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close