adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance

EVENSVILLE, TN—According to sources at local public relations firm Dolan-Cassidy, employee Ian Novak, 38, is positively basking in the solitary week of importance he experiences as organizer of his office’s NCAA Tournament pool. “Hey, close call for Miami last night,” said the suddenly noticeable Novak, luxuriating in one of the few precious days out of the year when he is not completely ignored by coworkers. “Man, we’ve had some wild ones this year, haven’t we? I’ll be watching the game at Flannery’s tonight, if anyone’s interested.” At press time, the fleetingly relevant man was being simply lavished with attention from a colleague asking him if he could print out another bracket.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close