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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance

EVENSVILLE, TN—According to sources at local public relations firm Dolan-Cassidy, employee Ian Novak, 38, is positively basking in the solitary week of importance he experiences as organizer of his office’s NCAA Tournament pool. “Hey, close call for Miami last night,” said the suddenly noticeable Novak, luxuriating in one of the few precious days out of the year when he is not completely ignored by coworkers. “Man, we’ve had some wild ones this year, haven’t we? I’ll be watching the game at Flannery’s tonight, if anyone’s interested.” At press time, the fleetingly relevant man was being simply lavished with attention from a colleague asking him if he could print out another bracket.

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