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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk

LOWELL, MA—Saying he feels the need every now and again to vary his repertoire, Seaport Data Systems junior account manager Brandon Herbert, an individual who already spends much of his workday breathing and chewing loudly, told reporters Monday that he is thinking about getting into arrhythmically drumming his hands on his desk. “I’ve had a lot of success making a high-pitched whistling noise as I slowly breathe through my nose and smacking my lips as I consume a variety of heavily redolent meals with my mouth slightly agape, but I think the time has come to move on to new frontiers,” said the man who shares an intimate workspace with approximately 30 other people, noting that periodically beating a halting rhythm onto his desktop, pausing for a few seconds, and then resuming at a slightly different tempo represents “the logical next step.” “Sure, I could always pursue something more conventional, like slamming my fingers as hard as possible on my keyboard while I type, or noisily clearing my throat of phlegm before audibly swallowing, but I really think spending hours a day slapping out what I think is the rhythm to the song ‘Hot For Teacher’ on a desktop is the way to go.” At press time, Herbert decided that, fuck it, he might as well tunelessly hum while he’s drumming too.

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