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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk

LOWELL, MA—Saying he feels the need every now and again to vary his repertoire, Seaport Data Systems junior account manager Brandon Herbert, an individual who already spends much of his workday breathing and chewing loudly, told reporters Monday that he is thinking about getting into arrhythmically drumming his hands on his desk. “I’ve had a lot of success making a high-pitched whistling noise as I slowly breathe through my nose and smacking my lips as I consume a variety of heavily redolent meals with my mouth slightly agape, but I think the time has come to move on to new frontiers,” said the man who shares an intimate workspace with approximately 30 other people, noting that periodically beating a halting rhythm onto his desktop, pausing for a few seconds, and then resuming at a slightly different tempo represents “the logical next step.” “Sure, I could always pursue something more conventional, like slamming my fingers as hard as possible on my keyboard while I type, or noisily clearing my throat of phlegm before audibly swallowing, but I really think spending hours a day slapping out what I think is the rhythm to the song ‘Hot For Teacher’ on a desktop is the way to go.” At press time, Herbert decided that, fuck it, he might as well tunelessly hum while he’s drumming too.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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