Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having simultaneously realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
End Of Section
  • More News

Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker

BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31, enthusiastically greeted coworkers this morning after arriving straight from the gym, sources at Alperin and Associates marketing agency reported. “Hey guys, what’s going on?” said the upbeat little prick who woke up at 6:30 a.m. sharp, ate a full breakfast, and exercised for 90 minutes before jumping on the train and strolling into the office with enough time to brew a fresh pot of coffee. “Anyone got anything big on the agenda this weekend?” At press time, employees had reportedly cheered up after sales associate Todd Meier arrived visibly exhausted and hungover.

More Videos


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.