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Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Visibly emotional employees at Casper-Neville Communications confirmed Monday that a 30-minute team-building exercise organized by the company’s management had instilled within them an intense solidarity, bringing the group to a place of heretofore unimaginable intimacy. “I’ve never experienced this level of closeness with anyone before, let alone my coworkers,” Daniel York, 28, said of the mandatory “synergistic decision-making simulation,” in which employees imagined they had been stranded on a desert island and were forced to rely on one another’s skills in order to survive. “After what we went through this morning, I feel comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and deepest insecurities with everyone in this office. There is now a profound sense of camaraderie and devotion uniting us all. A bond has been forged here today that can never be broken.” Reached for comment, company management expressed confidence that its employees would accept the doubling of their workload after half the staff is laid off on Friday.

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