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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Coworkers Brought To Place Of Unthinkable Intimacy By Team-Building Exercise

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Visibly emotional employees at Casper-Neville Communications confirmed Monday that a 30-minute team-building exercise organized by the company’s management had instilled within them an intense solidarity, bringing the group to a place of heretofore unimaginable intimacy. “I’ve never experienced this level of closeness with anyone before, let alone my coworkers,” Daniel York, 28, said of the mandatory “synergistic decision-making simulation,” in which employees imagined they had been stranded on a desert island and were forced to rely on one another’s skills in order to survive. “After what we went through this morning, I feel comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and deepest insecurities with everyone in this office. There is now a profound sense of camaraderie and devotion uniting us all. A bond has been forged here today that can never be broken.” Reached for comment, company management expressed confidence that its employees would accept the doubling of their workload after half the staff is laid off on Friday.

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