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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You

YOUR OFFICE—Although they are reportedly attempting to appear busy by typing rapidly and leaning in toward their computer screens, sources confirmed that your coworkers are, in fact, Gchatting about you at this very moment. According to reports, your colleagues have muted the sound on their computers and have positioned their cursors to rapidly switch to a secondary browser tab should you walk by, freeing them to engage in their current exchanges regarding your work performance, demeanor, appearance, and any number of your individual flaws. Based on the increasing number of knowing glances that your coworkers seem to be silently sharing with one another, sources further revealed that the ongoing conversations about you can only be growing more biting and personal. At press time, accounts indicated that, yes, of course the near simultaneous laughter that two nearby colleagues of yours just emitted and then immediately tried to stifle was also related to you.

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