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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You

YOUR OFFICE—Although they are reportedly attempting to appear busy by typing rapidly and leaning in toward their computer screens, sources confirmed that your coworkers are, in fact, Gchatting about you at this very moment. According to reports, your colleagues have muted the sound on their computers and have positioned their cursors to rapidly switch to a secondary browser tab should you walk by, freeing them to engage in their current exchanges regarding your work performance, demeanor, appearance, and any number of your individual flaws. Based on the increasing number of knowing glances that your coworkers seem to be silently sharing with one another, sources further revealed that the ongoing conversations about you can only be growing more biting and personal. At press time, accounts indicated that, yes, of course the near simultaneous laughter that two nearby colleagues of yours just emitted and then immediately tried to stifle was also related to you.

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