Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired

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Vol 40 Issue 05

Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms

KEY WEST, FL—Jimmy O'Dell, 9, and his animal friend Skippy, a bottlenose dolphin, are no longer on speaking terms, the boy said Monday. "I told Skippy I wanted to ride his back out to Buccaneer's Cove to look for buried treasure," O'Dell said. "But Skippy kept squeaking that it wasn't safe. He's always contradicting me, and I'm sick of it. That finned freak is dead to me." Skippy refused to comment.

Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of sight after the highly addictive sedatives were taken off the market in the '80s," said Jannings, a thread of drool hanging from his lower lip. "But my research shows that recreational use of this dangerous drug is rebounding, especially among the professional class." To demonstrate, Jannings downed three Canadian quails he'd scored from a dealer just hours earlier.

Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor announced Monday that she was saddened by the death of actress, dancer, and fellow famous person Ann Miller. "Annie was such a joy, an absolute doll," Taylor told reporters. "She touched so many lives, and she will be missed. My heart goes out to her family." Taylor also expressed sadness over the recent passing of Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan.

Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again

JASPER, WY—Gregory Steevers, 37, found himself standing in the aisles of the Pleasure Island adult bookstore again Monday. "I was out on a walk after I dropped off the electric bill," Steevers said. "I stopped and had a sandwich, then, before I knew it, I was perusing the shelf of anal videos at the Island. Weird." Steevers said he's "ended up" at Pleasure Island about twice a week for the past four years.

Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza, was laced with personal threats, sources reported Monday. "If you don't stop torturing yourself, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you," Luskey told Lambert. "Either you get up off of this couch and allow the healing process to begin, or I'll open up a wound so deep, it'll leave more than just an emotional scar." Luskey added that Lambert had better restore his sense of self-worth fast, if he values his life.

I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks!

You all think you're hot shit because you guessed that the dollar would continue to slide against the euro, but answer me this: Who totally called yesterday's 0.4 percent surge in technology stock valuations, in spite of their inflated P/E ratio? Who defied conventional wisdom and foresaw the late-afternoon rally after a morning of relatively tepid technology trading? Who is the fucking man? If you said "Geoffrey Fox," you are correct.

I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny

Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I guess it's kinda late. I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but I was in the neighborhood, and I saw your light on, so I thought I'd drop by and see if you'd have sex with me.

10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks

SALEM, VA—For the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. "The chariot races were pretty cool," Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. "And when Mr. Franks got back from the teachers' lounge, he told us Jesus is in tomorrow's part." Bower said he dreads next week, when the class will break into Ben-Hur discussion groups and share their ancient-history unit journals.
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Coworkers Dying To Tell Man He's Going To Be Fired

RAPID CITY, SD—E;mployees at Reynolds Business Machines are dying to tell sales representative Mark Tendulkar that he is about to be fired, sources reported Tuesday.

Tendulkar (front) and coworkers.

"I was out with [sales manager] Frank Lascowicz last Thursday, and he let slip that Tendulkar's cubicle would be free. It took some free rounds, but I got it out of him: Mark's out on Feb. 15," sales representative Jeff Wildner said. "Mark is such a total dick, and so incompetent, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep it from him that long."

Wildner said it's not his place to break the news to Tendulkar, no matter how much he would love to.

"I'm just going to have to wait until the boss axes him," Wildner said. "But the writing's definitely on the wall for ol' Tendulkar."

Tendulkar has worked at Reynolds since 1999, but according to fellow employees, he has failed to meet his weekly sales quota for the past four months.

"Mark ought to know it's coming," sales representative Cory Fontaine said. "You'd have to be a deaf mute to have trouble selling a Canon 3200 after the price reduction, but he hasn't closed on one. Not one."

"He's totally unaware he's about to be thrown over!" Fontaine added. "I even heard him talking about needing a bigger desk yesterday. I'm dying!"

Since word of the firing spread, a sense of excitement has filled the office.

"I don't even want to go meet a client, in case the shit goes down while I'm out," Fontaine said. "It's all I can do to not tell him myself. Still, though, a small part of me wants it to be a total surprise when the ax comes down. The look on his face will be priceless!"

Several coworkers have nearly told Tendulkar what's about to happen, only to check themselves at the last second.

"Just today, Mark came in blaming me for something about some keyboard he ordered," secretary Gina Haney said. "I almost said, 'Unless you're taking that keyboard with you when you go, I wouldn't worry about it.'"

"Sayonara, sucker!" Haney added.

In spite of the wide circulation of the news, coworkers described Tendulkar as "blissfully ignorant."

Sitting in the sales pit, surrounded by his busy coworkers Tuesday, Tendulkar casually shelled pistachios as he circled loungewear items in a J. Crew catalog and browsed vacation packages on Orbitz.com.

Even Tendulkar's immediate supervisor said he's had a hard time keeping quiet.

"Mark came in all smug after selling a MultiPASS MP360," floor supervisor Andrew Miller said. "He said something like, 'Put another one in the win column for the Marksman.' I wanted to tell him that one $140 sale wasn't going to be enough to save his job, but protocol must be observed. I can't wait until Lascowicz sends him up the river."

As the firing approaches, Tendulkar's coworkers have been exchanging glances and trading jokes behind his back.

"Cory had a good one yesterday," Wildner said. "He threw Mark's coffee cup in the garbage and said, 'I don't think they have coffee in the unemployment line.' It was almost as good as when Tina [Lewis] walked in with two empty boxes and said she was going to go ask Mark if he needed them to pack."

When Tendulkar was late for work Tuesday, several of his colleagues reportedly gathered in his cubicle, appraised its contents, and made claims on his chair and desk lamp.

Not everyone is burning to tell Tendulkar the bad news.

"Mark's an okay guy," coworker Bill Davies said. "He's got some rough edges, but once you get to know him, he's all right. He just got married last summer, and he's still paying off the wedding. I hate to see anyone in that situation."

Tendulkar does not seem to be aware of Davies' comments.

"My sales have been pretty slow lately," Tendulkar said. "But with the economy as bad as it is, that's to be expected. I should be back on my feet by the end of March. Then, the Marksman will be back on top, looking down on all the little people. It kills me to be pulling in less than that bald little Davies runt."

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