Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected

STAMFORD, CT—Employees at Greenberg Consulting Group confirmed Friday that accountant Tim Eriksen’s girlfriend, who was widely assumed to be very good-looking, is not nearly as pretty as everyone had anticipated. “I don’t know, for some reason I just kind of had this idea in mind that Tim was dating a really attractive woman,” office manager Craig Fields said shortly after meeting the woman at an after-work dinner event. “Tim’s a good-looking guy, so I figured he probably does pretty well for himself. Plus, her name is Kylie, which conjured up the image of a certain kind of woman. She’s not super unattractive or anything, she’s just normal, which is totally fine, I just…I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting it, I guess.” At press time, Eriksen was reportedly at home having absolutely mind-blowing sex with his girlfriend.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close