Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected

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Vol 48 Issue 37

Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

Mark Carson

Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected

STAMFORD, CT—Employees at Greenberg Consulting Group confirmed Friday that accountant Tim Eriksen’s girlfriend, who was widely assumed to be very good-looking, is not nearly as pretty as everyone had anticipated. “I don’t know, for some reason I just kind of had this idea in mind that Tim was dating a really attractive woman,” office manager Craig Fields said shortly after meeting the woman at an after-work dinner event. “Tim’s a good-looking guy, so I figured he probably does pretty well for himself. Plus, her name is Kylie, which conjured up the image of a certain kind of woman. She’s not super unattractive or anything, she’s just normal, which is totally fine, I just…I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting it, I guess.” At press time, Eriksen was reportedly at home having absolutely mind-blowing sex with his girlfriend.

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