Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation

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Vol 49 Issue 36

Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games: Ravens at Broncos OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout o...

Nicole Walden

A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Sleep

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation

'Hallelujah, God Is Good!' Reunited Employees Cry

WASHINGTON—With tears of relief streaming down their faces, coworkers around the nation wrapped one another in jubilant embraces Tuesday to celebrate the blessed end of their Labor Day weekend separation, sources confirmed. “I missed you so much! Thank God we’re back together again!” employees across the United States reportedly said to one another between whoops of joy, all while lifting each other up in emotional bear hugs. “Worst three days of my life! It felt like months. The only thing I thought about the whole time—while I was sleeping in and having backyard cookouts—was your faces and how much I missed them. You guys are the best! I love you so much.” At press time, American colleagues were hanging on each other’s words as they recounted their weekend activities.

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