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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation

'Hallelujah, God Is Good!' Reunited Employees Cry

WASHINGTON—With tears of relief streaming down their faces, coworkers around the nation wrapped one another in jubilant embraces Tuesday to celebrate the blessed end of their Labor Day weekend separation, sources confirmed. “I missed you so much! Thank God we’re back together again!” employees across the United States reportedly said to one another between whoops of joy, all while lifting each other up in emotional bear hugs. “Worst three days of my life! It felt like months. The only thing I thought about the whole time—while I was sleeping in and having backyard cookouts—was your faces and how much I missed them. You guys are the best! I love you so much.” At press time, American colleagues were hanging on each other’s words as they recounted their weekend activities.

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