adBlockCheck

Local

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Crack Dealer Only Tenant Landlord Can Depend On For Rent

CULVER CITY, CA—Despite owning 15 units in the central Los Angeles area, landlord Marceline Brown can only count on receiving on-time rent payments from one of her tenants: full-time crack dealer Nathan “Buck” Cruz, 24.

According to Brown, Cruz has never missed a rent deadline since moving into 1211 Juniette Street, Apartment 2D in October 2004, despite having no bank account, credit cards, or personal checks.

Cruz and Brown have a tenant & landlord “match made in heaven.”

“I couldn’t ask for a better tenant,” said Brown, 52, who praised Cruz for personally delivering his $950 monthly rent in cash. “He’s dependable, quiet, and hardly ever has any complaints or repair issues. He’s a property owner’s dream.”


Brown said that Cruz was a stellar example of how a person of limited means in a low-income neighborhood can live responsibly, quietly, and with dignity. Along with what she called a “refreshing” example of personal and financial responsibility from such a young man, Brown said she was amazed at Cruz’ efforts to keep the apartment in excellent condition. Besides installing a brand-new, fully reinforced door at his own expense, neighbors have reported hearing Cruz vacuuming his apartment regularly, and occasionally detect a faint odor of cleaning solvents.


“I got a peek at his bedroom the other day, and it’s so spotless, you’d think he never slept in it,” Brown said.


Cruz

Brown told reporters that Cruz is so conscientious that he carries his trash bags nearly six blocks to another Dumpster. “He is considerate and clean, good traits to have,” Brown said. “Not like those UCLA kids in 1B with their mountains of pizza boxes attracting flies and roaches. Lord only knows what they’re up to in there.”


Though Cruz’ lease is scheduled to expire this October, Brown said she has every hope that her favorite tenant will sign on for another year, and has even tried to persuade Cruz by offering to renovate the apartment without increasing his rent. Cruz agreed to renew his lease, but according to Brown, insisted that “everything is fine” and that he would prefer that no one “fuck with [his] shit.”


“I told him, ‘Okay, whatever you want. I just want you to be happy,’” Brown said.


Unlike Brown’s “troublemaking” tenants who play loud music, clog up sinks, and keep other neighbors up with uncontrollably crying infants, Cruz keeps mostly to himself. He contacted the landlord only once when, due to nearby construction, the cooking gas was disconnected for 20 minutes.


“It seems like the other tenants are always coming to me about broken doorknobs or leaky faucets,” said Brown, who has long suspected that it’s her tenants who are to blame for most problems, not malfunctioning equipment or normal wear and tear. “Nathan almost never bugs me, but he’s very easy to get ahold of when I need to talk to him—beeper, a couple of cell-phone numbers, one of those Blackberries. He’s very responsive.”


After repeated visits from LAPD officers when a few tenant-run weekend house parties got out of hand in July, Brown said she had newfound appreciation for Cruz, who showed an “extraordinary amount of concern” over the incident.


“He’s a responsible citizen who clearly wants no part of that kind of trouble,” Brown said.


Brown also singled out Cruz for respecting her preference that tenants not have guests in their apartments for extended stays.


“When he is home, he has a lot of visitors, but they never stick around very long or even come inside the apartment,” Brown said. “He always greets them at the door, talks to them for a few minutes, and then says goodbye. That’s just so considerate to his neighbors.”


Hoping to attract other similarly dependable tenants, Brown asked Cruz if he had any trustworthy friends, coworkers, or “anyone from his church” who would be interested in renting an apartment. Cruz has so far not responded.


Brown said she was disappointed, but understood.


“I guess somebody as disciplined and hard-working as Nathan doesn’t have a lot of spare time for social activities,” Brown said. “Some people, they just have different priorities.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close