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Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

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34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Cracks In Facade Visible As Teen Enters Third Day Vacationing With Friend’s Family

Phelps says that after hearing a recent exchange of bitter remarks during a day hike, she’s beginning to rethink her image of the Matthiesons as a perpetually happy, good-natured family.
Phelps says that after hearing a recent exchange of bitter remarks during a day hike, she’s beginning to rethink her image of the Matthiesons as a perpetually happy, good-natured family.

LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE, NH—As she entered her third day vacationing with the family of friend and classmate Jessica Matthieson, 15-year-old Kayla Phelps confided to reporters Tuesday that cracks had begun to emerge in the facade of domestic harmony that the Matthiesons had consistently projected.

Phelps, who prior to the present trip had never spent more than a few hours at a time with the family of four, confirmed that several cold stares and emotional outbursts she has witnessed so far at the Matthiesons’ rented lakeside cabin have led her to believe her friend’s home life may not be as happy as she had always assumed.

“I’ve been to Jessica’s house for dinner before, and her family always seemed really sweet and nice, but I’m starting to see a different side out here,” said Phelps, remarking that midway through the weeklong vacation the Matthiesons appeared to have become less adept at keeping up their usual appearances. “I used to think her dad was pretty funny, but now I’m starting to wonder if maybe his jokes are just mean. He teases Jessica’s mom a lot, and she almost never laughs along with him. When she does, I’m pretty sure she’s faking it.”

“And [Jessica’s 12-year-old brother] Joshua has been acting really weird ever since we got here,” the teen continued. “He’s super quiet all the time and has been in bed by eight o’clock every night. It’s kind of strange.”

During the three-hour drive to the lake, Carolyn Matthieson, 42, reportedly snapped a few times at her husband Ted Matthieson, complaining about his driving and getting in an argument over directions, but Phelps said she didn’t think much of it until the group arrived at the cabin and Carolyn threw down her luggage, walked directly into a bedroom, and slammed the door.

Citing further evidence of trouble brewing beneath the surface, Phelps stated that the Matthiesons rarely make eye contact when they speak to each other, something she had never noticed before, though she has known the family since she and Jessica became friends in sixth grade. She also said Jessica’s parents often step outside onto the cabin’s deck to trade whispered, harsh-sounding words, leading her to suspect there may be something really serious going on that she knows nothing about.

According to Phelps, her friend also spends the majority of her days vindictively calling her younger brother a “friendless freak” and finding other ways to push his buttons, having seemingly made him angry “just for the fun of it” throughout the family’s recent day at the public beach, during lunches on the outdoor picnic table, and even while he’s simply sitting alone at the end of the property’s dock.

“Jessica’s dad spends all day fishing, and he doesn’t even seem to care when no one wants to go with him,” said Phelps, affirming that the 43-year-old displays no outward signs of enjoying himself while methodically engaging in the activity. “And Jessica’s mom keeps making up excuses to go run errands in town, but half the time she doesn’t actually buy anything. At lunch yesterday, she suggested taking a drive up into the mountains, but when Jessica and Joshua both just kind of shrugged, she suddenly got up from the table without saying anything and started doing the dishes.”

“Then last night at dinner, the four of them went practically the entire meal without saying a word,” she added. “Back home, they’d always at least talk about their day.”

The high school freshman confirmed that the family’s veneer of tranquility had worn thinner each day, and that she worries about how tense the situation might become if rainy weather forces them to stay inside the cabin together for an entire 24-hour period. Noting that she had never seen Jessica and her mother argue before, Phelps also told reporters that this morning she walked in on a hushed exchange between the two of them on the screened-in porch, during which her friend said, “This happens every time—every time,” before storming out toward the lake as her mother started crying.

Reached for comment, both Matthieson parents said absolutely everyone was having a great time on the trip and it was without a doubt shaping up to be their best family vacation ever.

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