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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points

SAN FRANCISCO—A Craigslist advertisement for a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco's Castro district has set an all-time Internet record for exclamation-point usage with 354, the Bureau Of Statistics reported Tuesday. "The 28 exclamation points following the lead phrase, 'MUST SEE,' were excessive, but not record-breaking," said BOS statistician Randall Carrey. "But within the ad itself, the word 'nice' is in all caps and followed by 354 marks. Quite extraordinary." The previous online record, 312, was set in a 2003 eBay listing for Camaro parts.

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