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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points

SAN FRANCISCO—A Craigslist advertisement for a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco's Castro district has set an all-time Internet record for exclamation-point usage with 354, the Bureau Of Statistics reported Tuesday. "The 28 exclamation points following the lead phrase, 'MUST SEE,' were excessive, but not record-breaking," said BOS statistician Randall Carrey. "But within the ad itself, the word 'nice' is in all caps and followed by 354 marks. Quite extraordinary." The previous online record, 312, was set in a 2003 eBay listing for Camaro parts.

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