Craigslist Server Contracts HPV

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.

‘Seek Funding’ Step Added To Scientific Method

PARIS—In an effort to modernize the principles and empirical procedures of examining phenomena and advancing humanity’s collective knowledge, the International Council for Science announced Thursday the addition of a “Seek Funding” step to the scientific method.

The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence

As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors

LAWRENCE, KS—Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earth’s surface is actually indoors.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

The FDA recently approved the sale of Flibanserin, a pink pill intended for women diagnosed with low sex drive; critics have questioned the pill’s effectiveness, while advocates are praising the move toward supporting both men and women with these sexual issues. Here are some of the most common questions about Flibanserin

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

How Hackers Steal Data From Websites

With millions of Americans’ personal information becoming compromised by recent high-profile data breaches, many people are wondering just how anonymous hackers target and infiltrate these supposedly secure systems. Here is a step-by-step explanation of how your data can be stolen

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

Shortly after Apple debuted its new ultra-thin MacBook this week, Google announced its new Chromebook Pixel 2, which similarly boasts the new Type-C USB port and high-tech trackpad.

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Craigslist Server Contracts HPV

SAN FRANCISCO—A team of system administrators, web developers, and health care professionals reported this week that Craigslist, the free online network of classified advertisements, has contracted the anogenital disease commonly known as HPV.

Administrators can't say for certain how many strangers have used the online classifieds site.

The shocking diagnosis, made after an hour-long examination of Craigslist's main server, marks the first time an Internet site has ever contracted a sexually transmitted virus.

"No doubt about it, that's definitely HPV," said Dr. Howard Morrison, a general practitioner who was brought in Tuesday to administer a series of tests on the popular website. "Looks like it's already attacked the central mainframe and several LAN routers. Pretty severe strain of it, too. One of the worst I've ever seen."

"Knowing what I do about Craigslist, though, I can't say that I'm surprised," Morrison added while scanning through lines of infected HTML code. "It was only a matter of time before something like this happened."

While tests were unable to determine how Craigslist contracted human papillomavirus, the site's casual relationships with more than 40 million users nationwide is likely to blame. Internal records revealed that Craigslist routinely allowed complete strangers to sign up on its site, the vast majority of them sexually perverse, morally depraved, and lacking even rudimentary hygiene skills.

"We tried to ignore the signs, but every day more and more of those weird wart-looking things started showing up on our home page," said a Craigslist developer who wished to remain anonymous. "I honestly didn't think it was possible, but the cotton swabs confirmed it. Craigslist has HPV."

Dr. Morrison swabs the Craigslist mainframe and advises an 80 percent reduction in traffic to avoid gonorrhea.

Founder Craig Newmark said he suspected that the sexually transmitted disease was contracted from the "Casual Encounters" section of the website, a popular service used by people looking to engage in consequence-free intercourse. Newmark did not rule out other potential sources of infection, however, including the many thousands of listings for "female help around the house," amateur modeling work, and free used mattresses.

"It could've been anyone, really," said Newmark, who estimated that between 90 and 95 percent of the site's users are HPV carriers. "Especially that landlord who offers rent- reduced apartments for certain 'unspecified services,' or that guy pimpdadder84 from Chicago, who's always posting want ads for previously owned underwear."

"Considering the kind of stuff that goes on in here, I'm relieved HPV was all we caught," Newmark added.

Since the diagnosis, Craigslist administrators have suspended all traffic to the website and started regular treatment for the virus. System analysts have been instructed to apply anti-inflammatory cream to affected WAN hubs, file servers, and other problem areas, as well as wash Craigslist's main Ethernet connections in podofilox topical solution three times daily.

Doctors have also recommended the website contact any past partners or clients and ask that they too get checked out for HPV.

"How could we have been so stupid?" embarrassed Craigslist site officer Michael Sturges said. "I knew it wasn't exactly safe, and that we shouldn't be allowing just anyone from anywhere to join. But I wanted for the site to be, you know, popular."

Added Sturges, "I can't believe we let those creeps get into our CMS database."

Though worrisome for all involved, this week's HPV diagnosis has reportedly taught the online network a number of valuable lessons. System administrators claimed that if and when the website finally returns, it would do so with a number of new policies.

Future users will be required to disclose their real names when registering with Craigslist, in addition to providing a brief summary of their past sexual history, taking a standard blood test, agreeing to a month-long trial period during which both site and user can better get to know each other, and entering a valid e-mail address.

Approximately 300 new firewalls will also be installed.

"You can never be too careful in this day and age," Craigslist security and network technician Sheila Wilder said. "Just look at MySpace. That poor site's been knocked up three times in the last year alone."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close