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Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

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BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

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Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections

LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation's leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans suffering from urinary tract infections in 2009. "If our projections are correct and current trends in rough, dry sex continue, we'll see a spike in sales starting in mid-January," Ocean Spray CEO Randy Papdellis said during a press conference. "We don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but several factors also indicate that bathroom hygiene amongst women is due for a significant downturn. This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for." Pharmaceutical manufacturers, who carefully observe Ocean Spray's projections, are also optimistic that the vast increase in cranberry juice consumption will boost the sales of over-the-counter antidiarrheals.

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