How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Crash Pulled From Theaters Following Real-Life Car Crash

OVERLAND PARK, KS—In what highway safety personnel are calling "a chilling example of cinema come to life," David Cronenberg's Crash was pulled from the nation's theaters Monday following an automotive accident near Kansas City which claimed two lives.

Remains of the real-life wreck that killed two Saturday.

"Never before in my 16 years with the highway department have I seen such a thing," tow-truck driver Karl Stankiewicz said, surveying the accident site. "This is like something out of the movies."

According to witnesses, at approximately 11 p.m. Saturday, a Ford Aerostar driven by Chris Gosch, 25, of Kansas City, swerved off a county road at high speed and rolled over, killing Gosch and his girlfriend, passenger Lisa Bradley, 24, instantly. No reason was given for the couple's unorthodox behavior, but U.S. Department of Transportation officials say they will closely study footage from Crash to try to find answers.

"There is a scene in the film in which a pair of lovers swerves off the road in an almost identical fashion to the incident involving Mr. Gosch and Ms. Bradley," said Transportation Undersecretary Richard Lathon. "It's chilling. This really blurs the line between truth and fiction."

Less than 24 hours after learning of the accident, executives from Fine Line Features, distributor of Crash, announced they would pull the film from theaters to prevent any further real-life crashes. "Crash was meant to be limited to the realm of the imagination, a product of science-fiction writer J.G. Ballard's fertile mind," said Fine Line CEO Leo Green, announcing the film's withdrawal. "We never dreamed this could actually happen. Crash will end its run in theatres as of today."

Despite the studio's apology and withdrawal of the film, Crash director Cronenberg defended his work in an official statement Monday. "My movie was just that—a movie. It was obviously not intended to be an example of behavior. What happened to Chris Gosch and Lisa Bradley is a tragedy, but it is a tragedy they brought upon themselves because of an inability to discern between fantasy and reality."

In response to fears that "crashing" might become popular among impressionable young people who see the movie, Crash stars James Spader and Rosanna Arquette have agreed to collaborate with the National Highway Transportation Safety Bureau on a series of PSAs. The televised spots will feature a sexily dressed Spader and Arquette addressing the camera while engaged in safe driving. Among the slogans to be used in the spots: "You're On The Street, Not The Screen," and "Remember: In The Real World, Sexy Means Safety First."

Ralph Nader, speaking before a special meeting of the What About The Children? Foundation in San Francisco, said that the entertainment industry must take greater responsibility for the messages it sends out. "We have come to the point where violence and death have become acceptable forms of entertainment," Nader said. "Impressionable young kids can go to a theater and see a car actually crashing into another car. We shouldn't be surprised when the result is tragedy."

Media watchdog groups find it particularly disturbing that real-life victims Gosch and Bradley were romantically involved, just like the characters in the movie. "What's more," said Royce Gehry, chair of the Arlington, VA-based Media Institute, "the car they were driving bore an uncanny resemblance to the ones in the film, all the way down to the four-wheel design and the internal combustion engine. Don't tell me this wasn't a 'copycat'-style accident. The similarities are too great to be denied."

If more copycat accidents follow, some lawmakers feel it may be necessary to close all interstate highways until motorists can receive the counseling they need to distinguish between Hollywood action thrills and the real-life dangers of unsafe car "crashing." Such a proposal could reach the Senate as early as Thursday.

In addition to car accidents, Crash includes numerous scenes of couples having sex. Fortunately, no real-life incidents of sexual contact have thus far been reported. "We can only hope that people do not engage in sex as a result of Crash," Gehry said. "Sexual encounters belong only in the movies."

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