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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting

EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called "Thinking Outside The Crayon Box" in which he outlined an oddly ambitious, disconcerting  5-year plan. "I expected him to introduce some new colors or something, but all of the sudden he was talking about 'throwing wax out the window' and 'envisioning the Crayonscape of the future,'" shareholder Nicole West said of Perry's unnerving slideshow, which included a production timeline for a series of Bluetooth-compatible crayons under the heading "Fully Integrated Multi-Level Crayon Solutions." "He said that by 2018, crayons are going to be 100-percent digital, and I'm not sure anyone really understood what he meant by that. To be honest, I kind of just wanted to hear if he figured out a way for crayons to color better or something." Perry further unsettled shareholders by saying that the company would be phasing out burnt umber, as the color was "an archaic and embarrassing vestige of a bygone crayon era that does not represent Crayola as the vanguard of conceptual, cutting-edge crayon thinking and ideas."

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