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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting

EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called "Thinking Outside The Crayon Box" in which he outlined an oddly ambitious, disconcerting  5-year plan. "I expected him to introduce some new colors or something, but all of the sudden he was talking about 'throwing wax out the window' and 'envisioning the Crayonscape of the future,'" shareholder Nicole West said of Perry's unnerving slideshow, which included a production timeline for a series of Bluetooth-compatible crayons under the heading "Fully Integrated Multi-Level Crayon Solutions." "He said that by 2018, crayons are going to be 100-percent digital, and I'm not sure anyone really understood what he meant by that. To be honest, I kind of just wanted to hear if he figured out a way for crayons to color better or something." Perry further unsettled shareholders by saying that the company would be phasing out burnt umber, as the color was "an archaic and embarrassing vestige of a bygone crayon era that does not represent Crayola as the vanguard of conceptual, cutting-edge crayon thinking and ideas."

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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