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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Crayola CEO Presents Jarringly Ambitious 5-Year Plan At Annual Shareholders Meeting

EASTON, PA—Speaking at the annual shareholder meeting of Crayola, Inc. on Tuesday, CEO Mike Perry reportedly bewildered investors with a 95-slide PowerPoint presentation called "Thinking Outside The Crayon Box" in which he outlined an oddly ambitious, disconcerting  5-year plan. "I expected him to introduce some new colors or something, but all of the sudden he was talking about 'throwing wax out the window' and 'envisioning the Crayonscape of the future,'" shareholder Nicole West said of Perry's unnerving slideshow, which included a production timeline for a series of Bluetooth-compatible crayons under the heading "Fully Integrated Multi-Level Crayon Solutions." "He said that by 2018, crayons are going to be 100-percent digital, and I'm not sure anyone really understood what he meant by that. To be honest, I kind of just wanted to hear if he figured out a way for crayons to color better or something." Perry further unsettled shareholders by saying that the company would be phasing out burnt umber, as the color was "an archaic and embarrassing vestige of a bygone crayon era that does not represent Crayola as the vanguard of conceptual, cutting-edge crayon thinking and ideas."

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