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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree

KANSAS CITY, MO—Reportedly overcome with frustration following an onslaught of recent media attention, 33-year-old Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman was apprehended by police earlier this evening after allegedly stabbing two reporters and two photographers who had been trailing her throughout the day. “You never think that something like this could happen to you,” said one of those wounded, Michael Stabbingvictim, from his hospital bed at St. Joseph Medical Center. “I’m still in a state of shock. I only hope that this deranged Gunman gets the punishment she deserves.” At press time, reporters were rushing to the alleged attacker’s home address on reports that a second Gunman, described as a male in his mid-30s, was still on the loose.

For a full recap of The Onion's coverage of the Gunman tragedy, watch below.

The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage

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