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Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree

KANSAS CITY, MO—Reportedly overcome with frustration following an onslaught of recent media attention, 33-year-old Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman was apprehended by police earlier this evening after allegedly stabbing two reporters and two photographers who had been trailing her throughout the day. “You never think that something like this could happen to you,” said one of those wounded, Michael Stabbingvictim, from his hospital bed at St. Joseph Medical Center. “I’m still in a state of shock. I only hope that this deranged Gunman gets the punishment she deserves.” At press time, reporters were rushing to the alleged attacker’s home address on reports that a second Gunman, described as a male in his mid-30s, was still on the loose.

For a full recap of The Onion's coverage of the Gunman tragedy, watch below.

The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage

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