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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree

KANSAS CITY, MO—Reportedly overcome with frustration following an onslaught of recent media attention, 33-year-old Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman was apprehended by police earlier this evening after allegedly stabbing two reporters and two photographers who had been trailing her throughout the day. “You never think that something like this could happen to you,” said one of those wounded, Michael Stabbingvictim, from his hospital bed at St. Joseph Medical Center. “I’m still in a state of shock. I only hope that this deranged Gunman gets the punishment she deserves.” At press time, reporters were rushing to the alleged attacker’s home address on reports that a second Gunman, described as a male in his mid-30s, was still on the loose.

For a full recap of The Onion's coverage of the Gunman tragedy, watch below.

The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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