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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

Cashier Lisa Gunman Goes On Mass Stabbing Spree

KANSAS CITY, MO—Reportedly overcome with frustration following an onslaught of recent media attention, 33-year-old Macy’s cashier Lisa Gunman was apprehended by police earlier this evening after allegedly stabbing two reporters and two photographers who had been trailing her throughout the day. “You never think that something like this could happen to you,” said one of those wounded, Michael Stabbingvictim, from his hospital bed at St. Joseph Medical Center. “I’m still in a state of shock. I only hope that this deranged Gunman gets the punishment she deserves.” At press time, reporters were rushing to the alleged attacker’s home address on reports that a second Gunman, described as a male in his mid-30s, was still on the loose.

For a full recap of The Onion's coverage of the Gunman tragedy, watch below.

The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

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