adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News

Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars All Day

ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day.

Dennis Fife, an L.A.-area nutball, answers reporters' questions regarding his upcoming plans to scream at cars all day.

Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At approximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the front steps of the Simmons Building and yell loudly for nine hours. The screaming will be broken by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the late afternoon."

Among the topics Fife plans to address during his nine-hour rant: the ace of diamonds, bookshelves, the man trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from St. Louis, closed-up straws, Trapper John, MD, and papers, papers everywhere.

"I may briefly stray from my agenda to urinate into the revolving door at the building's entrance," Fife said, "but, for the most part, I will focus on the task at hand and spend the bulk of the day yelling at the various passing cars."

Though Fife said he will shout at any vehicle that goes down Kenilworth Avenue, he will focus primarily on Volkswagen Beetles, pick-up trucks and late-'80s Mitsubishi Galants. Fife also noted that he will attempt to gain the attention of bicyclists by shouting, "Hey there, Mr. Bike-man."

"A lot of what I intend to yell will be pre-planned—it will be things I've shouted at cars before," said Fife, chewing on his right forearm. "But I definitely want to leave open some room for improvisation. For instance, if a red car passes by, I might be inclined to shout at the driver, 'Where'd you get the fancy red car?' But then, if another red car drives by a bit later, I might become angry and demand that the driver stop and give me kidney beans."

Fife has already begun preparations for the event. On Monday, he worked late into the night making a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which he said he will bring with him and throw into the street, handfuls at a time. He has also set aside his lucky rubberband and a tree branch for the occasion.

While Fife has vowed to remain in the office building's doorway throughout his nine-hour yell session, some observers speculate that he will wander over to the nearest corner, where he would have access to vehicles slowing down to make the turn onto Canyon Drive.

"That corner is going to be extremely tempting for Mr. Fife," Alhambra city councilmember Lorraine Schmidt said. "Not only do the cars slow down there, giving him better access to drivers, but there is a mailbox he can spit into. I can't imagine he'll be able to stand in that doorway all day with the corner in full view without giving in to the urge to go over there."

Alhambra police chief George Jaeger predicted Fife would be successful in his venture, praising his remarkable tenacity and determination.

"When Mr. Fife sets his mind to something, he does it," Jaeger said. "Whether it's tearing pages out of a phone book, swallowing metal washers, or selling a discarded Roxette CD to an imaginary friend for $600, every project he undertakes is a bona fide success. This truly is one focused loon."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close