adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars All Day

ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day.

Dennis Fife, an L.A.-area nutball, answers reporters' questions regarding his upcoming plans to scream at cars all day.

Addressing reporters, the 47-year-old Fife said, "At approximately 9:30 a.m. on the day in question, shortly after I finish lunging at dogs, I will proceed to the front steps of the Simmons Building and yell loudly for nine hours. The screaming will be broken by a 15-minute fit of rigid catatonia, most likely in the late afternoon."

Among the topics Fife plans to address during his nine-hour rant: the ace of diamonds, bookshelves, the man trying to kill him, those goddamn bananas, people from St. Louis, closed-up straws, Trapper John, MD, and papers, papers everywhere.

"I may briefly stray from my agenda to urinate into the revolving door at the building's entrance," Fife said, "but, for the most part, I will focus on the task at hand and spend the bulk of the day yelling at the various passing cars."

Though Fife said he will shout at any vehicle that goes down Kenilworth Avenue, he will focus primarily on Volkswagen Beetles, pick-up trucks and late-'80s Mitsubishi Galants. Fife also noted that he will attempt to gain the attention of bicyclists by shouting, "Hey there, Mr. Bike-man."

"A lot of what I intend to yell will be pre-planned—it will be things I've shouted at cars before," said Fife, chewing on his right forearm. "But I definitely want to leave open some room for improvisation. For instance, if a red car passes by, I might be inclined to shout at the driver, 'Where'd you get the fancy red car?' But then, if another red car drives by a bit later, I might become angry and demand that the driver stop and give me kidney beans."

Fife has already begun preparations for the event. On Monday, he worked late into the night making a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which he said he will bring with him and throw into the street, handfuls at a time. He has also set aside his lucky rubberband and a tree branch for the occasion.

While Fife has vowed to remain in the office building's doorway throughout his nine-hour yell session, some observers speculate that he will wander over to the nearest corner, where he would have access to vehicles slowing down to make the turn onto Canyon Drive.

"That corner is going to be extremely tempting for Mr. Fife," Alhambra city councilmember Lorraine Schmidt said. "Not only do the cars slow down there, giving him better access to drivers, but there is a mailbox he can spit into. I can't imagine he'll be able to stand in that doorway all day with the corner in full view without giving in to the urge to go over there."

Alhambra police chief George Jaeger predicted Fife would be successful in his venture, praising his remarkable tenacity and determination.

"When Mr. Fife sets his mind to something, he does it," Jaeger said. "Whether it's tearing pages out of a phone book, swallowing metal washers, or selling a discarded Roxette CD to an imaginary friend for $600, every project he undertakes is a bona fide success. This truly is one focused loon."

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close